Kalliope's Musings

Almost a year!!

2010-05-06T22:38:00.003+10:00

I figured I should come back here and see if it's still around....if anyone who read before is still around. Are we all on F@ceb--k now?

About 30,000 things have happened since this time last year. I'm not sure what to say and probably won't say any of it now....just thought I should check in and say I'm still alive, still head above water, and doing....not as great as I'd like, but things aren't as bad as they could be. Plodding along...

I'll be back soon....at least in less than a year from now! xox

Some days...

2009-06-26T20:04:00.003+10:00

....it would be nice to share the responsibilities with someone.

I feel slightly schiz0phr3nic lately. The good is really good, the not so good is overwhelming and I skate between the two moment to moment. To be honest, it's exhausting - mentally and physically.

I do not like feeling up one minute and down the next, depending on what's happened. September is my "life will get back to normal" month - that's what I'm telling myself. That's what I'm hoping.

Ya know, I had a bunch more typed out, but I deleted it. I don't want to whine. There's a big hole and I have to figure out how to get out of it...soon.

Ok, I decided I had more to say.

It really piss3s me off that I'm earning way below my potential these days. I used to have disposable income. I used to do pretty much whatever I liked. I'm really annoyed that the last job didn't work out, because all I needed was another 6 months to get a buffer. I'm annoyed that they pushed me into a corner and made me make a decision I didn't want to make.

I'm stubborn and I'm determined...but that doesn't get bills paid. Working does. I know my business will be successful. The companies I'm working with are extremely supportive of what I'm doing now and the idea I have for when I come back from K0k0d@. The feedback I've had from people who have related interests in that project is also very positive.

But I'm doing it on my own and trying to juggle doing what I have to do with doing what I'd like to do....I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I know once I'm there, the pressure will be off. And I should be in that place before the end of the year.

The last 18 months of my stupid illness getting worse, lack of proper employment, trying to build a business.... Honestly, I must be insane! I've given up lifestyle and so much more to be able to do what I want to do. I'm stubborn enough to get it done and be where I want to be.

I'm also stubborn enough not to ask for help and I know that's the downside of being me.

On impulse

2009-06-20T19:55:00.004+10:00

I've been sitting here thinking about where I'm at and how I got here. Things are looking good and positive on the outside - I have a few clients (two more in one day this week!) and have been offered some ongoing work a couple of days a week doing something that will probably send me insane by the 3 month "Do I want to keep doing this?" date I've agreed to.

I'm getting lots of positive assistance and support from businesses I've contacted, who are working with me in various ways to help me build my personal training business. One in particular is actively finding referrals for me - and if I meet with those referrals, I can invoice the business for my time. It's nuts. And it was his suggestion. I can see us working more closely down the track, but it's good already.

The thing is, I'm also drowning...in tiredness, in responsibility, in lack of time to do [insert task], lack of money and needing the part time work, which increases the whole lack of time thing. The financial thing is just scary. All this good stuff is going on and looking like it's getting somewhere positive, but each week I worry that I'm sinking and how I'm going to get out of that by the next week.

I've turned going to K0k0d@ into a business idea that is getting really good feedback. But let's not discuss the fact that I still haven't fully paid for that trip. And I won't be working for most of August.

Yes, I'm whining....well, staying just short of panicking, really.

It will get better. I know it will. I'll just keep pretending till then that life feels as good as it looks.

(And, M, yes, I now have a page on FB!)

Oh and...

2009-05-10T20:54:00.002+10:00

I quit my job on Tuesday. Nobody would tell me what was going on, including my bosses who you'd think would know. They didn't want to get involved with all the cr@p that was going on, which basically meant even though they had no issues with my work, I had nobody on 'my side'. So I called bullshit on the whole situation and said I had enough. I offered to stay until they found a replacement, but they didn't want that. I wasn't owed anything except leave pay, but they offered to pay me out in addition. Guilt, much?

It's weird. I'm not stressed about it at all.

I REALLY need clients now, but I feel good about things.

Getting to the heart of the matter

2009-05-09T21:38:00.002+10:00

I'm a bit disappointed. I don't think I'll be going back for another Echo in the near future. This is a bit of a shame. It means I probably won't get to see Jarrod again. He's the guy who ran the test. Twenty-three, very nice looking, and charming. It was worth all the annoyance for that. Ha! He sent me behind the curtain to take my clothes off and put the gown on. I said I didn't see the point in going behind the counter if he was going to be seeing my nekkid top half anyway. :-D

Why do I think I won't be having another Echo any time soon? Well, someone, somewhere along the line got the message very wrong. It turns out Jarrod's 'supervisor' was the woman who did my original Echo back in 2000. They both looked at the results while I was there. Normal. WTF? Yes, there's very minor regurgitation and a definite murmur, but inconsequential. Right. So I have NO idea why I was told there was an issue all this time.

The test results still have to be reviewed by the cardiologist, but Jarrod and the other lady both agreed there was pretty much nothing to there that was anything to worry about. My doc should tell me in about two weeks. It still means the pains I get are unexplained, but I can put up with that knowing that I'm 99.5% ok otherwise.

I had a full blood test last weekend, too. My (other) doc called me on Friday afternoon to let me know the results were all good. Blood sugar levels, good cholesterol, triglycerides etc are all pretty much normal.

All this is good news, because I have to have a full medical before I go to K0k0d@ in August. Now the only hurdle is making sure I'll be able to take class B controlled drugs into P@pu@ New Gu!nea. A note from the doctor should be ok, I hope.

Speaking of 'the trek', I did an hour of step-ups carrying about 14 pounds of weights in a backpack today. My legs aren't all that sore, which is good. I need to be able to do a few hours at a time, with about 20 pounds of weight. I really do like punishing myself, don't I?

Excuse me, I seem to have lost my month

2009-04-30T18:47:00.002+10:00

Where'd the time go?

This is a fly-by....

M will be here from 24 May to early June. I am nervous and excited.

My personal training business has had a positive boost. I'm cross promoting in two stores of a major womens' fitness wear retailer. Hopefully, that will bring lots of new clients. I NEED new clients.

K0k0d@ is booked and I've paid the deposit. Somehow, I have to find the money (or the sponsors to give me the money) to pay the balance and buy the equipment I need. In just over three months, I'll be trekking through the jungle for 10 days.

Work....sucks. Faaaar too much to explain, but the bottom line is I'm 99% certain I'll be finishing there at the end of next week. Right now, I don't care, except for the lack of income, which I really need. This is why I need the personal training business to kick off. Fast.

All things medical are pretty good. Medication is working, having some blood tests on Saturday, the heart Echo is next Friday, and my regular girl check up showed no issues (nice change there!!).

Most important current project is somehow producing all my marketing and promotional material with no money. And sponsors for the trek; that would help a lot! I'll find a way.

Hugs and all good things to everyone. I miss you and I know it's remiss of me to not have been in touch lately. Know you're all in my thoughts always.

Life in March

2009-03-29T10:08:00.002+11:00

Things have been relatively uneventful...as much as that can be in my life.

The situation at work is less hectic, but the fires are still going to have an effect on our workload for a while. Each department had mandatory counselling/debriefing on Friday, which was a lot less hokey than expected and we ended up not being so annoyed by the 'mandatory' part. The counsellor was surprised how well we (in administration) were all coping and said we were handling things as well as could be expected.

I have unrelated issues with our female COO, which I've spoken to my bosses about. It's not an easily solved situation, but at least I've got it on record that I'm not happy and why. My role is mostly concerned with the pathology side of the business because of the roles of my bosses, not the general admin area. However, there's a grey area where I am also to support the admin managers when required. The problem is I don't have anything to do with that area on a daily basis, so I don't know what they need, or when. Added to that, I physically have my back to that area, so I can't see when they're busy....I can't know what I need to do when I don't know what I don't know. Unfortunately, my two bosses have opposing ideas about how to address my frustrations. My probation ends on 12 April and I hope to be feeling better about the problem before then, or I'll need to address it again, when both my bosses are on leave. I do not want to try to get things resolved without their support and backing.

My medications are working well, although I'm not allowed to take as much of one as I'd like, until I get another heart echo some time in May. Still, it's better than nothing and making a difference. I've been having some heart pains; enough to be an annoyance, but not enough to make me too concerned just yet. I don't think it's related to the medications.

M is coming down here from 24 May to 1 June. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it all, but we're getting on well and know where we each stand. Last night, we talked for a couple of hours about nothing in particular. There are expectations, but there are no expectations. I have been overthinking the entire scenario, but have mostly let that go now. It will be what it will be and I'll worry about that in a few weeks.

Early to bed tonight. I have a new client starting tomorrow morning. Six o'clock on a Monday morning. She's keen!

Quick-ish update on 'stuff'

2009-02-26T21:46:00.002+11:00

So, the diagnosis as of today is "a-typical narco.l3psy with hyp3rsomnol@nce and depression". Yeah, well no wonder I'm depressed, the docs have been giving me the run-around for the last couple of months. But today, I got lucky.

It started out bad...the sleep centre told me on Monday my appointment was Thursday 26th. They didn't say anything about it being MARCH 26th. So I took time out of work, went there, found out it was the wrong day and subsequently lost the plot. I said I needed to see someone TODAY. The receptionist called a doc who was due to come in later, and got him to come to work early to see me. Yes, I like them both. A lot!

The doc actually listened to me, took a billion notes, made some phone calls and got authority to prescribe my wonderful "controlled drug". I said, "Will you please be my doctor?!" He said yes. He's told me I have to take a low dose till I go and have another Transthoracic Echo (get a video of my heart, basically). Damn things are uncomfortable, because they dig the camera in between your ribs (not fun), but hey I'm going to do whatever this guy wants. I also have to find a regular (intelligent!) GP who can do all my running around and co-ordinating for me in future. Not some idiot who puts 'epilepsy, but no seizures' on a referral coz he's not paying attention to what I'm saying.

In other news....

M (the ex-boyfriend from high school) has almost convinced me to take him up on his offer to fly me up there for a visit. I have some reservations, for various reasons, which he knows. I'll see how I feel once I've been on the meds for a couple of weeks. I told him it was all a bit too hard for me to comprehend that we'd both still feel the same after so many years. I said I'm too cynical and this kind of thing only happens in story books, not real life. He replied asking where I thought they got the ideas for the books from in the first place. Fair enough. Point taken. Still, I'm taking this one slowly. There are too many things that make anything more than friendship less than possible, but who knows. For now, I'm just pretty damn happy we are where we're at.

Work is insane due to the fires. But I can't say a great deal about it here, because it's not public knowledge. Let's just say it's crazy busy and although it's hard to deal with, it feels pretty cool to be part of it all....and knowing we're doing something good.

So very tired

2009-02-12T20:25:00.002+11:00

I try to be enthusiastic, but it's hard to stay that way for more than a few hours at a time without wanting to just be asleep.

An interim doc has given me some drugs to help me sleep through the night - basically trying to remove my REM sleep, so I don't wake up all the time. Some days it works, some days, it doesn't. What it does do every time is make me feel drunk. So very drunk. I can't think, talk properly, and type properly. Actually, my typing is the funny part. So awful! But it knocks me out after about half an hour, so as long as I get to bed in time, it's not that noticeable. Most of the time. :-D

The really bad side is this same doc has referred me for a mandatory Fitness to Drive test next week. I am smoke-out-the-ears furious, but there's nothing I can do about it. If I don't go, I could lose my licence anyway. If I wasn't already anxious and stressed, I am moreso now, thanks to this damn situation. But I'm collecting research to take with me (that show other idiots on the road are more of a danger than me being tired).

My specialist is back next week. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation. I walk a fine line. If my symptoms show up in a negative way on the drive test, I may be forced onto a restricted licence, which will severely impede my quality of life. If I 'pass' the test, they might think my symptoms are not severe enough to go back on medication and I'll go on feeling the way I do. I'm somewhere in between both. I am fine to drive, but I do need medication to make life easier....better. Normal. I don't know how to de-stress between now and this time next week.

The bushfire situation is mentally and physically draining. I'm seeing it on tv, hearing it on radio, smelling the smoke, watching the water chopper go over the house, and working with it every day. I have to say, I'm seeing the truly good in people at work. I can't go into a lot of it for privacy reasons, but the number of people who have volunteered to help with dis@s.ter vic tim ident.if ica. tion (don't want go ogle picking this up) is just overwhelming. We've received huge food donations from companies we've approached to help us feed the volunteers 24/7 for the next few weeks. And so much more. The generosity humbles all of us who work there.

Overall, I'm so extremely tired and when I'm not having to concentrate, my brain goes blank. Even when I have to concentrate, I'm finding it pretty difficult to keep a train of thought.

But many people have it much worse than me right now. I'm keeping perspective, despite my whining.

I can't believe I've been so stupid

2009-01-23T20:05:00.005+11:00

I realised over the last couple of days that a lot of things I've made various 'excuses' about over time have been directly related to my narcolepsy. I feel so dumb that it's taken me this long to figure it out.

I missed a lot of my last year or so of high school, because I would just go there and sleep during class. I put that down to stress and stuff going on in the family and it made sense at the time that it was just 'stress'. My grades reflected it and I went from an A student to pretty shitty marks.

I fell asleep frequently during a week long Microsoft course a few years ago. I put that down to boredom. :p

I've fallen asleep in meetings. I put that down to disinterest.

The last few months, (well always, actually) I've frequently zoned out or had short sleep attacks at work. I put that down to lack of enthusiasm, because they were (to me) menial temp jobs.

Add weight gain, short term memory issues, inability to concentrate/focus, hypnagogic hallucinations, weird body temperature fluctuations....I have NO idea why I couldn't see it was my narcolepsy. I told myself I was tired, depressed, stressed, getting old, you name it.

I went off my medication a couple of years ago (my doctor knew), because I felt I didn't need it. Only now I'm realising how badly I do need it and always have. I found a support board on f@ceb00k this week and everything makes sense now. All of it.

How stubborn and cocky have I been to think that I could have just got over a brain chemical imbalance that has no cure? I am pissed off with myself. The last 12-24 months has been really hard, for a lot of reasons, but it didn't have to be so hard. That thought makes me frustrated, but also relieved.

I sent my specialist an email yesterday asking for a new appointment asap, so I can go back on the medication again. I don't care anymore about the stigma of taking a narcotic. I want my quality of life back. I'll probably have to go back to hospital for a polysomnograph and MSLT, but it will be worth being hooked up to computers for a night if I can get back to 'normal'. Whatever that is.

Lori, I just read your latest post and wanted to show you this re parasomnias and somnambulism. From this website.

Although, strictly speaking, this heading includes all events accompanying sleep, generally only such conditions as sleep-walking, sleep-talking, sleep-automatisms, sleep-terrors, confusional arousals, nightmares, head-banging, teeth-grinding, periodic movements of sleep and also the phenomena of REM sleep behaviour are subsumed under this heading......

Sometimes complications, such as falls or stumbles, pose a danger for the walker, and outside help can help the walker to avoid these. Recollection of such nocturnal events on the following morning is fragmentary and undetailed.....

Narcolepsy, or a predisposition to it, is usually an inherited condition, but has occurred after head injury or brain damage caused by severe infection. The prevalence of narcolepsy is estimated to be 1-2 per 2000. .....

It's interesting that they've recommended you see a cardiologist, too (interesting to me coz that's one of my issues as well). Did you do the MSLT after the polysomnograph/sleep study? Could it be possible that your faints are actually sleep attacks? Just something extra you might wanna ask the docs if that hasn't already been ruled out.

New year, new beginnings

2009-01-10T15:00:00.002+11:00

Life is interesting, ain't it?

M (ex-bf who was trying to find me) called on Wednesday night and asked when I start my new job. I told him Monday. He told me he wanted to fly me up there for a few days before I start work. Overwhelming, much? I declined. I'm happy to see him in February, when he comes here, but I really need the time in between now and then to absorb things and get used to the idea of seeing him again.

My foot is still sore, but that's partly my fault. I've stayed off it as best I could, but....well, there's reality, too. The beginning of the week was fine, but after walking around for a few days, I've conceded that there's only so much I can do and I need to still go easy. Bummer.

Starting the new job on Monday. I should be grateful. I recognise that. I also recognise that the salary (which I'm being extremely ungrateful about) is my fault and perhaps I should have pushed harder and not settled how and when I did. It's a good job. If the salary were what I'd like, it would be the perfect job. Meanwhile, I'm waiting on an interview for a different kind of job, with more a more than perfect salary.

Ethically, I'm struggling with the fact that I've accepted something good, but less than ideal, knowing I could get a better/different opportunity in a couple of weeks. The circumstances around the entire situation have put me in a rock/hard place kind of position, so I'm trying to just let things happen as much as possible. Ultimately, I have to do what's best for me, even if it may inconvenience other people. I don't like it, but I do know it's time I started putting myself first.

Rob, the new housemate, moved his things in today. He asked if he could stay the night. I thought that was funny. He has a key, he's paid his rent, the place is his as much as it's mine.

I was annoyed with myself, till Lori out-did me.

2008-12-31T17:16:00.002+11:00

I was clearing out my storage unit on Saturday morning, with my friend Greg. He was also clearing his out, so we shared the cost of a removal truck. All our stuff is now in my garage till we can figure out what is crap to be dumped and what is to be kept.

With two hours to go before we had to have the truck back, and with the truck still to be packed with his things, driven to my place and unpacked, I attempted to get out of the truck, misjudged and landed badly.

At first, I thought I'd sprained my ankle, but it was ok. Once I took a step, it was a different story. I have never in my life seen a bruise form so fast (although I'm sure Lori's face bruised just as fast as my foot!!) and the pain was insane. I couldn't do anything about it for another couple of hours, but hey, if you don't think about it, it doesn't hurt as much, right?

That was Saturday afternoon. Proving how good I am at denial and procrastination, it took me till Tuesday to see the doctor and get x-rays. The good news is I didn't break anything. I tore muscles and tendons under my foot, in the arch, and it's the same pretty purple and blue colours of Lori's face. The doc says I'm not allowed to do anything on it at all for 2-4 weeks, unless it's absolutely necessary.

Yeah, like that's going to happen, huh! For a start, I didn't have anyone to chauffer me around today, so I had to go grocery shopping on my own. The girl at the checkout asked if I was hopping for fun or if I hurt myself. Uh huh, I like looking like a tosser in front of dozens of ~~Armaggedon~~ New Years Eve shoppers buying last minute items. (Aside: Folks, the stores are closed for ONE DAY. You don't need to stock up on tinned items and powdered milk just yet!)

I don't have to work anywhere till Monday, so I will try to behave myself and obey the doctor till then .....with the exception of the discount book sale, coz let's be serious, I can't avoid books for $1!

Happy and safe New Year to everyone...from the comfort of my lounge.

Because that's just how things happen in my world...

2008-12-25T10:53:00.000+11:00

I didn't mention one blast from the past in my previous posts. The sister of my first real boyfriend in highschool. Toni contacted me on FB a couple of months ago. I assumed she'd tell her brother right away that we were talking. Apparently not. She left it till last night (Christmas Eve) to tell him. By the time she'd sent me a message to say she'd given him my number and was that ok, he'd already contacted me.

He's been trying to find me for 15 years. It seems my attempts to not be found by anyone proved more successful than I thought. He was about ready to contact a private investigator to find me. We talked for four hours.

He's coming to Melbourne at the end of February for a conference and wants to spend a couple of days with me.

There is no way I could ever possibly say my life is not interesting.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

2008-12-21T14:59:00.003+11:00

http://www.cardiocafe.com.au/christmas.htm

Brett

2008-12-16T23:56:00.002+11:00

Seriously.
Sigh...
It doesn't feel like it's been 6 years.
'Nuff said.
Coz I don't have the right words.

And now it's December

2008-12-11T21:04:00.002+11:00

I haven't said much here, coz I'm sick of being negative and miserable and am doing what I can to not articulate it in text.

The more positive things are....

My brother got married and the whole damn family behaved. No tears, no drama, everyone got on well. Freaking amazing! Who'da thunk that would ever happen? It was a good day.

I have a new housemate. He hasn't moved in yet, but he's great. Only 24, but polite, intelligent and seems quite mature for his age.

Brett and I are getting on like we did all that time ago. Scary in a really nice way. I don't know where it will go, or if it will go anywhere, but it's good and I'm happy with that.

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. He's started mentioning the L word in the last few days and told my new housemate he was my boyfriend before I even knew we were that far down the track. Apart from the Brett stuff putting my head in a permanent slight spin, I'm more ok with it than I thought I'd be - but I wasn't at first. It's growing on me, although I'm not entirely comfortable with it yet. I like it when he's around. I like it just as much when he's not. The more we spend time together, the more he's growing on me. I hope he's patient, though, coz it's going to take me a while to get to the same place he's at.

November

2008-11-16T14:20:00.001+11:00

Is proving to be more....trying than I would have liked.

Hangin' in there for the time being.

Lost and found

2008-11-01T11:11:00.002+11:00

Lost - Michael. It seems I should have known he was still just as interested in me, even though he stopped keeping in touch. Yep, that makes sense. (in answer to your comment in my previous post, Ian)

Lost - Daniel. Overseas for at least the next 6 or so months.

Found - Rebecca. My best friend from high school. We haven't been in touch for 19 years.

Found - Brett. The reason I stumbled onto 'that place' all those years ago, for those who remember.

Still looking for - a real job and a housemate.

November is going to be a very interesting month.

Life, as it is

2008-10-19T10:45:00.002+11:00

Not a lot has been going on in my world lately - well, not much that's worth commenting on in any detail. I've only worked one or two days a week for the last month, which has been stressful. I feel like I was this time last year, watching the savings drain away again. But good stuff is happening now and things are picking up. I start a new contract job tomorrow, that looks interesting. All I need now is to find a decent housemate in the next 6 weeks.

I caught up with D again yesterday. It was supposed to be a quick chat while he dropped off some gym gear he's giving me, but, before we knew it, it turned into more than 4 hours of sitting and chatting over breakfast/lunch at a sidewalk cafe. There aren't many people I can feel that relaxed with that I don't even notice time passing. We talked about how easily we relate. I'm telling myself it's a good thing we met so close to when he's leaving, because I'm sure it would have been much harder to deal with if we'd have been able to spend more time together. He has one more weekend here. If he manages to organise himself so that he has enough free time, we will head up to a waterfall/lookout area I found a few months back. I told him about it and he asked if I could take him there if he could spare the time.

As much as I'd like otherwise, I'm glad there's been no intimacy or romance. That would just make things more difficult to deal with two weeks from now. If he decides to come back in 5 or 6 months, I'm sure we'll still be really good friends. We have a long "we have to do that" list.

Meanwhile, I've been invited over for dinner tonight with a guy who appears very keen - much more than I am - but I'm following the 'accept all opportunities' theory and just going with the flow. If D would have a complete opposite, it is this person. So I'm curious to find out the reason I crossed paths with both people at the same time.

Two more quick pieces of news...

My brother is getting married at the end of November. I don't want to go.

My niece had a car accident, hit her head, and ended up in hospital again, but she's ok. Sigh...

Perception Personality Image Test

2008-10-05T10:51:00.001+11:00

Stolen from Lori's blog. I think it saying I like things to be predictable slightly contradicts the bit about dealing with things that come my way, so I'm not completely sure about that. Maybe I should try again when I'm more awake.

HFPS - The Humanitarian

Humanity, Foreground, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

Just the way it is

2008-10-04T21:53:00.003+10:00

Since most of my close friendships are with people who don't live on this continent, let alone in this city, it comes as no surprise to me that I've met D, got on with him so well, and he's going away in, um, 26 days.

Sigh...

Yep, time flies!

2008-10-01T21:40:00.000+10:00

So, what's new this week?

My nutty sister has been quite normal lately. She's actually been kinda fun to talk to, although she does call a bit too often and tries to stay on the phone longer than I'd like. But it's nice to not be thinking about who or what she's scamming. She seems to have found her 'thing' making and selling jewellery on 3b@y.

My niece is doing well. Who the heck knows how, but she convinced her doctor to send her home the next day after her operation! Can't say I was impressed with that. She does seem to be doing well. The fibrillations haven't stopped completely, although they should stop almost altogether over time. I know I'm going to sound like someone's mother when I say this, but I also wasn't pleased when she told me that she had been asked to model in a hairdressing fashion show thing on the weekend. I do know I'm overprotective of her, as much as I can be from a distance. Anyway, she was totally excited about it and wanted to do it because it was the first time in her life she did something fun that was just for herself. (And to think she feels like that at 29yo makes me sad.) So I'm happy for her.

And, today, I met D. Yes, it was supposed to be Sunday, but he had a fall inline skating on Sunday morning and couldn't walk. He sent me an email apologising profusely and saying he'd do "anything" to make it up to me. Silly boy! I didn't hold him to that, by the way. :p

It's been a long time since I felt so comfortable with someone. The day was fabulous. We drove out to a country suburb and had a late breakfast and just talked. When we left, he asked if I wanted to see him again, considering he's leaving in a few weeks. I said absolutely. I have no idea what's going to happen. Finding out should be interesting.

Anniversaries

2008-09-28T09:01:00.002+10:00

Yesterday was the football grand final. (Ian, H@wthorn beat G33long, if you care.) I didn't watch it. I was too busy getting a massage. *Note to everyone - shop while the football is on; you'll be alone.*

There I was, lying down peacefully, having my shoulders soothed, and it occurred to me that it was two years to the day that I called Tony and told him I was done with the relationship. Getting really specific, the date is today, but the day was yesterday.

The last two years have been eventful (haha, when's my life not eventful?) and more trying than I could have anticipated, but I think, overall, I'm happier. The idea of another relationship has not been appealing, for the most part. I've spent a bunch of time this year talking to M. We eventually met last weekend and got on fine, but what was there a couple of months ago wasn't there when we met. That was mostly due to me being frustrated with him taking so long to decide when to meet, so I distanced myself emotionally. I've never learnt how to get back to that point once I've lost it. We're still in contact, but it's not the same. Actually, for him, it is and I don't quite understand how that can be.

But, today, two years from the day I said goodbye to someone, I'm saying hello to someone else. The word 'date' bugs me a little and I don't like to use it in instances like this, because it implies (to me) romance. I'm catching up with D for coffee and pancakes. As far as expectations, I expect to get on well. He seems fun. You know there's a hitch, though, right? He's going overseas for five months in November. That doesn't bother me at all, coz I have no chickens to count at the moment. All I know is we talk easily and that's really all that matters. Otherwise, I may have to eat my pancakes quickly.

So, how are you feeling?

2008-09-24T18:34:00.000+10:00

I had my annual girl check up today, and got more than I bargained for. It started off as normal, with a brief chat about my medical history. The good thing is it's been positive for the last 12 months, so I'm pretty confident I'll get another clear result in a couple of weeks.

What was weird was the conversation that took place during and after the check. I know they're supposed to keep you engaged so you don't think about the uncomfort and I went along with the chat. It started getting strange when she looked at me and I felt as though she was almost reading my mind. She asked questions that were so pointed and so appropriate to my current life experiences that I had to keep looking away from her.

At one point, I was on the verge of tears, although I tried not to show it. She was asking if I was stressed, do I relax enough, am I taking time out for myself, am I feeling alright, do I say "no" enough.? General questions sure, but the way she asked was if she already knew what I was going to say...or what I wasn't going to say. I can't even really describe it. I answered what I could.

When I left, my heart was racing so much that I had to consciously take deep breaths to calm myself down. Strange afternoon.

Thanks

2008-09-19T20:09:00.002+10:00

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. L seems to have come through the surgery well. They weren't going to put her under a general, but in the end had to - which made things even more complicated coz the last general she had almost killed her. Yeah, so good my sister didn't find out till afterwards.

She hasn't spoken to the surgeon yet, although everything looks good so far.

Today is good.

There've been better days

2008-09-17T22:26:00.002+10:00

L has her surgery in 8 hours or so from now. Not one of her ungrateful, thoughtless, a-hole in-laws are at, or will be at the hospital to support her. So, she's having heart surgery alone with no support. I was going to say I'm angry. I don't know what I am.

And unless I can find a housemate in the next 6 weeks, I will need to move yet again. After guaranteeing me that things would be settled till at least the end of next year, my BIL told me tonight he's moving to Sydney....well, the military are moving him because he's not being utilised here, but he had a say in where and when and the final decision. I am sick of people breaking agreements and me being the one who pays the price.

I am trying really hard to be positive and grateful, but some days that's hard.

Thoughts, prayers, anything

2008-09-13T09:51:00.000+10:00

I just got a message from my sister that my niece is scheduled to have heart surgery soon, coz the beta blockers aren't working, so they've taken her off them. She's been taken from work to hospital in an ambulance a number of times in the last few weeks.

It's her 29th birthday tomorrow.

I don't know what else to say.

Positive thoughts would be great, thanks.

Family part 15 - Communication, or lack thereof

2008-09-07T09:19:00.002+10:00

The dynamics between siblings in my family have always been a bit strained. Sometimes, not on the surface, but always underneath.

Sister #1 has a smorgasbord of health and mental issues that have caused rifts and she's done things to some of us that are hard to forgive. I won't go into the details of her issues, but most make her a social outcast in general society.

Sister #2 has spent most of her years in the shadow of sister #3 and relying on her for support and friendship. Sister #3, it seems, now feels sister #2 will owe her a debt of gratitude for eternity and must adhere to sister #3's requests every time she says "jump".

Sister #3 is selfish and has only ever been out for personal gain. She has her own family and the rest of us are insignificant. That's just how it's always been.

Then there's me.

And my brother. He's always been the one who gets on with everyone. Until recently. He's become rude, arrogant, and caught up in the hype of himself and his cool, new job. He's getting married in November.

S#1 sent my birthday present to my brother, because I was moving at the time and his fiance said they'd deliver it to me. That was some time in July. He left me a voicemail message on my birthday about coming to see me, but has not been in touch since. S#1 has been trying to call him constantly to see when and if they're going to deliver the present, or work out how to otherwise get it to me. He never answers the phone, never returns her calls. Mostly, he's always been like that with S#1, but now he does it with everyone. You can't get him on the phone and he won't call anyone back.

It was his birthday yesterday and I know I should have called, but I didn't. He upset me a lot last time I saw him and I need an apology I know I won't get. His wedding is in November and I'm completely unenthusiastic about it. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with that.

S#1 tried calling him, too, and left yet another message. Next, she called me. In tears. I admit there are times I don't answer the phone when I see it's S#1. Often she calls for no particular reason and at times when it's difficult to just sit and listen to her talk about nothing for ages. But I took the call and was more than surprised when she broke down. For all the things she's said and done over the years, I can still empathise with her hurting, because I get why she does.

She gets treated as a second rate person by everyone, myself included. Again, that's over stuff I've not yet learned how to forgive. She's unwell, and she's ostracised by people. She stays home, rarely goes anywhere and has nurses and people who need to come to her house to help her each day. They're supposed to come after lunch, to give her time to get up, get dressed etc. Her maintenance guy turned up before lunch yesterday and let himself in. His wife also came over and walked straight through the house. S#1 was still in her dressing gown. The wife said she didn't mind. S#1 was in tears as she was telling me that nobody cares if she minds that people are over when she's not dressed, or not feeling the best. I completely understand. She's grateful, but wants to be treated like a human, with a bit of respect.

Sigh...from a family perspective, it's hard to be respectful of someone who can cause hurt and not feel the slightest bit of remorse, although I can justify that lack of response by seeing that one can only admit fault if they believe they're at fault in the first place. From a human perspective, she should be shown compassion.

S#1 has never opened up to me like she did yesterday. I've never heard her cry like that. I guess my brother not answering yesterday was more than she could handle. I told her to call dad, because I really didn't know what else to do and dad has a calming effect on all of us. Even if he has no idea what to do, or say, he'll listen and sometimes that's enough.

That was yesterday morning. In the evening she called me asking for help on her 3-b@y shop, because she was getting intense headaches and vomiting like she was before she had her stroke and couldn't do her work. My niece's recent hospital admission in Italy, because of her heart problems, can't be helping S#1's stress levels. I did what she wanted and told her to call her doctor. She asked me not to tell mum, but it's fathers day today and I'm going to tell dad when I talk to him.

What I haven't told anyone (IRL) is the sharp headaches and dizziness I've had for a while now. I wonder if vomiting the other week for no apparent reason, at the city train station, in peak hour is related, but I'd like to think not. At any rate, I have an unrelated hospital visit scheduled in about ten days and I'm going to ask to see someone about it while I'm there.

A lesson

2008-09-03T20:51:00.002+10:00

One of the rules of the world is that taxi drivers will take you the longest way home, charge you more than they should, then get angry when you question them.

I worked late last night and was given a voucher to get home. And I just wanted to get home. So I hailed a cab outside my office and was immediately pissed off. The car stunk ridiculously of cigarette smoke. Whatever happened to not smoking in taxis, I dunno, but it was bad to the point that I was feeling unwell by the time I got home. Anyway, I digress...

I told him I wanted to go to my suburb in the northern suburbs. When he started taking me towards the eastern suburbs, I got concerned. But I shut up. I wanted to see where exactly he was taking me. For a split second, it flashed across my mind that I was being abducted and I was going to be taken to the mountains and chopped up. Really.

It turns out he was taking me home a way I'd never been before, didn't know was possible, and got me home sooner than I expected. Still, I'm glad the company paid and I'm glad we don't tip in this country, coz that was an expensive trip.

I've been trying hard lately to keep open minded and calm about things I would normally worry about (like the tender I was working on last night that was due at 5pm this afternoon - and that we finished and sent at 4.55pm) and I'm glad I exercised patience with the taxi driver, despite the horrid smell of his cab. Sometimes people prove you wrong in a good way.

Frustration

2008-08-15T19:49:00.002+10:00

This year seems to be the year of roadblocks and, quite frankly, I wouldn't mind having an army tank to drive straight through them. I've had enough. I'm tired of other people changing the rules half way through the game. I'm tired of people assuming I'll be ok with that, knowing I have no choice but to accept the change.

It's funny how as soon as you think you've found the direction you want to take, every kind of setback and hindrance presents themselves and you wonder when it's ever going to end and how you're ever going to get where you want to be.

It's so damn hard to keep going when you feel like you're making no headway. I'm tired for a lot of reasons. I know I'll eventually be doing exactly what I want to be doing, but I really would like to have someone to sit with me in the evenings and tell me to keep going, because some days I wonder if I can do it by myself.

Reactions

2008-08-10T22:01:00.002+10:00

Remember when I let G stay with me so he could sort his life, business, relationship, mental health? When he moved out, I was relieved to be free of the emotional stress that put me under, because I had enough of my own to deal with at the time. He moved out on the weekend and was living with someone else by the next Friday. His life is still as crazy. He spent some time stalking her over the last few months (and readily admits he was obsessed with 'winning' her back). At the same time, he thinks he's been working towards reconciling and starting over with his ex (who I keep reminding him is not his ex as they are not divorced and they still see each other every weekend). Confused? Eh, not as much as he is.

So I've been storing some stuff in his storage unit, which is literally around the corner from my house, a few hundred metres away. Unfortunately, the woman he was living with and ended up stalking is even closer. In fact, she lives on the street I've moved to, about a hundred or so metres down. Weird coincidence!

He came around today to talk about selling me some of the gym equipment he has stored. That didn't happen. He burst into tears the moment he walked through the door. And a strange thing happened. I didn't want to hug him, or console him, which is quite unlike me. Really, I wanted to hit him on the head and tell him that's what you get when you don't think of the consequences of your actions. I did get to that later in the evening when he'd stopped using all my tissues. But I surprised myself with how little I reacted to his pain. I guess it's because he's been repeating the same dumb things for months and admits I give him the most useful advice, but he's chosen to ignore it.

He sees me as some kind of, I dunno, Y0da-like person who is all knowing, all seeing and he gushes compliments. I'm a bit, "Meh" about it all, because I just see myself as having made some mistakes in life and learnt from them not to do them again, whereas he keeps making the same mistakes and wondering why he's not getting any happier. So I made him watch The S3cr3t dvd. Ha! Then I made him watch a show about juvenile criminals. It was a lesson about gratitude.

Frankly, I thought my Saturday sucked more. I didn't get something I wanted very badly, for reasons I don't quite understand and it left me feeling worse than I have in a long time. He just had to drive past the house of an ex to see me.

Then again, he stayed the night with his (not) ex-wife, got a 4am text from the woman he was stalking, came to my place for coffee and while here received text messages from a 22yo girl from his last job who he assures me he wasn't leading on. Um, yeah, right. I told him to text her right back, apologise for not being honest about his relationship status and tell her he was only in a position to be friends...and he did! Ok, so maybe his confused world sucks a bit more than mine did yesterday. But we react so differently to our circumstances.

I told him the things I'd done in the 24 hours since I got the news I didn't want, in order to improve the situation. He thinks it's amazing that I can do that. I said it's just life. You get hit, you fall down, you get up again. There's not much you can do and see -or be - while your face is in the mud, so you just keep going coz there's no other option. He hasn't hit the ground often enough to want not to experience it again.

We didn't get to the storage unit. I told him he could come back next Sunday, hopefully without tears. I did say if it was going to be another therapy session, then I'd expect to be paid.

So, now where do I start?

2008-08-02T22:29:00.002+10:00

I'd have updated earlier in the week, but blogger tagged my blog as spam and I had to contact them within a certain time frame or they were going to delete my entire blog. Yes, I was impressed! While they were considering if I was real, or a robot, they wouldn't let me post. But...moving on...

I'm in my new place and I only have two boxes left of 'stuff' to unpack. It's things that don't really have a place, or I can't find room for. I've also realised I have far more books than I had noticed previously. I'm not sure why that is, but it means I have to invest, at some stage soon, in a rather large, additional bookcase. At least now I have the space for one.

Living with my bro-in-law has been good so far. My sister thinks all his military stuff that he's received and/or collected over the years is just stuff to collect dust. I think it's all very cool, including a framed collection of knots that now has prime position in our place when previously it was banned from being shown. Yes, go on, laugh if you will, but I love the thinking and skill involved in making them. The combination of my very large tv, my collection of military books/dvds and other guy interest stuff, as well as the fact that I'll sit down and watch football apparently makes me prime girlfriend material. All I have to do now is find a guy. :p

The flip side of all that is that I get to spend every second weekend home alone, while he goes to visit my sister interstate. And those are/will be my girl weekends.

I'm no longer working in the place they keep people in cold storage and I miss it already. The CEO of the organisation and the State C.o.r0n3r want me to go back at some stage, which is really nice to know. The guy who can make that decision knows what terms I'll go back there on, so I'm hoping to hear from him soon. In the meantime, I'm working for an IT r3cruit1ng company. Corporate is sooo different from government! I'm working my butt off for the first time in 8 months. As much as I enjoy it and the people are nice, it's so not what I want to do and I can't wait till the balance of office hours vs personal training hours shifts in the other direction.

Speaking of which, I'm finally being officially assessed by the head of the PT franchise I'm working for on Thursday. Yes, I have an assessment on my birthday. Oh well, bring it on! It shouldn't be difficult, but I really don't like being critiqued like that. It's bad enough the nights I co-teach with the other trainer, but having them both watch will be kinda annoying. Still, I'm looking forward to it, because it means more opportunities and more money and those are both good things.

Strangely, and thankfully, my current boss is really supportive of my desire to do PT full time. So much so that he's keen for me to take the staff for morning group classes if there are enough interested people. He's also given me permission to do whatever research and planning I need to while I'm at work (in the minimal free time I have!), so that I can try to have enough clients by the time I leave this job (mid Sept) that I won't need very many office hours at all.

I've been without much internet access for a while now and I no longer have a land line at home, because trying to get that connected was a ridiculous debacle of extreme proportions. My new intenet access is intermittent, because we're in an area that's very hilly and has lots of trees. We're coming to realise technology does not like our house, but that's ok. I have all those books to read!

Ah, what else has happened? Oh, my niece is now out of hospital, but has been wearing a heart monitor to see what's going on. She had a bad kidney problem and the antibiotics she had to take for that have made her heart issues worse. Hopefully, we'll know in a few days what the full story is. She's said she hopes she and her girls can come here for my brother's wedding in November, but I'm not getting excited about that till I know it's definite. There are a lot of things that could go wrong between now and then. I would love to see her!

I'm sure there's plenty more I've forgotten, oh, including my crazy ex housemate, but that will have to wait. Sleep beckons.

I am alive

2008-07-28T11:53:00.001+10:00

Just have very minimal time and internet access at the moment. Should be back to semi-normal within the week...hopefully!

Congrats M, I got your email!! x

Back soon....

Changing direction

2008-06-28T12:51:00.003+10:00

The past couple of weeks have sucked, sucked, sucked in some big ways. In other ways, I've been really happy. Of course, that means my moods have been all over the place. The girls I work with have been very patient with me, that's for sure!

I'm moving out this weekend and staying with a friend for two weeks till I can move to where I'm going. I have no words to describe what life in this house has been like lately, but I just have to be out. Thankfully, I have generous friends.

Maybe I should have put this post under a family heading. I might do that at some later stage when I've had time to process things. I'll be moving in with my brother in law. He lives around the corner from me, but a friend of his is moving away, so he and I can move into their house...rent free. It's so good, I'm hesitant to be happy about it till I've met them, seen the place and have my furniture in the door. The way things have gone haywire lately, I'm not expecting it to go to plan. If it does, I'll be living with family for the first time in 20 years. I have mixed emotions about that!

I'm changing jobs in about 3 weeks. I'm disappointed about leaving the city of the dead, because it's been a great job in a number of ways. A friend from an employment agency already has a two month job lined up for me, which is good. There is other good stuff in the works, hopefully, too, but I'll just wait and see what happens.

M and I still have not met, and that's probably been a good thing. Despite that, he's been the best support I've had lately. I've been a bit crazy-woman and I'm not sure why he hasn't run far, far away.

At any rate, things are looking up and that's a nice change.

I AM DONE!

2008-06-21T15:30:00.002+10:00

School is finished! Thank G-d!

We spent today working on our business plans/assignments. What we didn't get finished, our coach talked through with us, so he knew we understood the concepts of what we were supposed to do, then signed us off.

I'm worn out, probably going to be decompressing for a while, relieved, feel like crying and I'm a little proud, too. It's been a tough eight months, but I didn't give up. That's the main thing.

Down and Up

2008-06-18T23:00:00.002+10:00

Down goes to Nissan, who make it virtually impossible to have something simple done, like get your car key replaced when you lose it while you're out running. Oh, you can get it replaced, but not until you've argued with no less than 5 people, all as equally unhelpful as each other, and spent a day wondering why you have to get your car towed to the dealership just to get a freakin' new key. You can get a taxi to a dealership, to get a key that doesn't work, to take it to a locksmith who should be able to cut it for you, for twice the price you paid to get the key that doesn't work, in the first place. Meanwhile, your car remains unlocked (since you had to break into it to get your clothes to wear at work, after your run) in an open carpark, overnight.

Yes, Nissan, I understand the need for security, but you suck. Especially since you made me catch a taxi to the dealership, to prove I was me, only to give me the key that does not work without me showing you one single iota of identification. Company policy? Perhaps the company should be told you're not following policy...

Up is how my mood will be after Saturday, when I will be DONE with school. Ok, so my business plan will not be completed just yet, but I won't have to turn up to class three times a week anymore. I can actually get back to having a regular life and start finding work as a PT, finally really utilising the skills I've gained and justifying the money I've spent over the last 8 months. Happy!

Dirty work

2008-06-16T22:30:00.003+10:00

There are some things in life I'm really not very good at. One of them is face to face confrontation. I can't think straight and that's my main issue. The other is that I automatically come up with really hurtful things to say, that cut deep to the bone. Only problem is I won't say them. I realise the potency of words and I'm careful with how I say what I say. This tends to put me at a major disadvantage. So I try to stay as calm as I can, say what I need to say, and disengage.

I tried to do that on Saturday. I told my housemate not to yell. I told him when I was no longer going to listen to him, and I walked away. I told him there was no point talking if there was nobody listening to him. I went to my bedroom. He followed me and I ended up having to forcibly push my door shut in his face, because he wouldn't leave me alone.

What prompted this? I asked a few days ago that we keep our separate spaces in the house. He has his area of the house and I have mine. I asked that he stay out of mine and I'll stay out of his. He hasn't. I asked him again. He wouldn't and could not understand why 'you stay in your space and I'll stay in mine' did not equate to 'you stay in your space and you can come into mine whenever you feel like it, if I'm not home'.

Knee-capping obviously will not suffice. Amputation is the next course of action. I have a meeting tomorrow morning to determine what equipment I will need. He's at home all day at the moment, not working, with all my things in the house, while I'm out long hours. That is making me nervous.

Choices

2008-06-13T22:51:00.002+10:00

Is it satisfying enough just to know you are capable of not just knee-capping someone, but chopping off their legs completely?

Or would it be more satisfying to tell them you could, but won't?

Or just do it?

I've found out today that my house mate has not only broken a bunch of laws in relation to my tenancy in this place, but that if I wanted to, I could report him and he'd be fined quite substantially. I'm trying to be less vindictive in my old age. It's a good thing I've learned to buy time before making big decisions...

Yeah, right.

2008-06-12T20:43:00.003+10:00

That stuff about only being given as much as you can handle? Garbage! This week, the handle snapped off.

It started with me tipping a full cup of coffee all over my desk first thing Tuesday morning (Monday was a holiday) and got progressively worse throughout the day, including being told my contract will essentially be up in about 6 weeks, so I need a new job, then having a rather heated yelling match with my housemate about me moving out. The guy is a bully and an intimidator. Thankfully, he doesn't realise I have the upper hand in a number of ways. I won't do anything for now, but if I have to help his karma along, I will.

So I need a new job and a new home as soon as possible. It don't just rain some days!

This afternoon, as I was on my way from one job to the next, driving through the city, a guy in a truck almost took out the entire left side of my car, with the side of his, because he swerved into my lane without looking. I hit the brakes and swerved so hard that everything in my car ended up on the floor and he missed me by about an inch. Things went very slowly for a second and the crazy thing is I was thinking, "wow, that's close, the metal tray is really going to tear up my doors", like it was just any other normal thought.

I'll have to check tomorrow, but I'm sure I left impressive skid marks on the intersection. I got the feeling back in my legs and a normal heart rate by about the time I reached where I take my outdoor class. The good thing is he didn't hit me. That would have been icing on my already well iced cake.

But, after taking two classes tonight, I realised I'm a kick-arse trainer. I'm good at what I do. I know my stuff and I do it well. It's so not work. It certainly doesn't feel like work. The new guy I work for has only seen me take a couple of sessions and he's already organised to get the paperwork I need to make me 'official' and get me more work with other franchisees. I thought it was just a practical assessment, but there's a 'test', too. Bring it on! :p The guy I've been working for since February could have done that, but he just hasn't bothered.

After the shitty couple of weeks I've had, to have someone stand there and tell me I'm good at what I do and they want to help me to do better, and get me more work....that's cool. If it weren't for the positive feeling I get from doing personal training, I think I would have turned green, channeled my inner Hulk and gone on a rampage by now.

Life is just a tad suckful right now, but there's good stuff to balance it. Now all I need is for the good stuff to start outweighing the bad. Not too much to ask, eh?

Finally!

2008-06-07T21:34:00.003+10:00

The week is over! Every day this week has started at about 5.30am and I've been home around 10pm. Oh, except Thursday (told ya I'd be unwell that day!), when I was laid up in bed with possibly food related stomach pains, a headache and hot/cold sweats. Nice. But, thanks to pharmaceuticals, I was recovered enough to take back to back group sessions that evening.

And they went well. So well that the coach (I can't bring myself to call him a 'boss' because it really doesn't feel like what I do is work) of that venue is already arranging my assessment to be accredited with that organisation, as well as a course to qualify me to instruct kick-boxing. Very cool, and something I should have already been given through my original coach, since I've been taking kick-boxing classes every now and then since early in the year. Things are good.

On the flip side, I sent a long complaint email to the education director of my school about the cost of the course versus the ridiculously poor administration of the course. So did another girl in my course. We've been patient for a number of months now, over a few administrative stuff ups. But the last couple have cost us time and money, so I got narky. It could turn into a 'don't bite the hand that feeds you' situation, as the education director happens to be the wife of a guy who has said he'd like me to work for him in a managerial role at some stage - and who is also a director of our school. I'll cross that bridge if I have to. I'm not going to worry about it now.

Only two more weeks left and I'm DONE! The last few sessions have been draining and the whole class has been pretty unmotivated. We've been working on sales, making phone calls, presenting our businesses, marketing ourselves etc. Due to the admin issues we've faced, we've all been unenthusiastic about it.

Today was different. We worked on public speaking. None of us were really keen on the idea and we knew we had to do a number of presentations. I don't know if it was the instructor we had, or what it was, but today was good. The thought of getting up to talk and present this morning was not something I looked forward to. I went straight to class from taking two outdoor sessions and I was tired, wet, muddy and hungry. I wanted to be alone and just sleep. By the afternoon, with two 10 minute talks under my belt, I got up and presented a talk we all had to do on the same topic (burn f@t f@ster)......and spoke for almost 4o minutes! Yeah, I rambled a bit and jumped between topics, but given that we only had about 20 minutes to prepare, I was pretty happy. I can't remember ever getting up in front of a group and talking for that long. I know I talked too fast in some places, but overall I'm so pleased I did so well and got really positive feedback. That boosted my confidence in myself and my abilities more than anything else has recently and it's just what I need right now.

I know I haven't mentioned it here yet, but I have to move again, thanks to my stupid housemate. I'm not happy about it and it's going to cost me money I don't have. I shouldn't be surprised, but he and the evil spawn can't work out why I'm pissed off and not talking to them. I'm too tired to go into detail about it now, but the sooner I get out of here, the more likely it is I won't commit murder. Then again, I wouldn't have to worry about finding enough money for rent...

Yay! for the long weekend! I'd be excited about it if I didn't have a business plan to finish....

Tunnel...light...end...soon!

Customer no-service

2008-06-01T22:01:00.002+10:00

I saw Ian today, for the first time in...lots of months. I met his jet-lagged self at our semi-regular meeting place and we set out to get food. There are places everyone has where they go all the time, because the service is good and the food is even better. I've been going to such a place regularly for a number of years, so I figured we'd go there and it would be good. The food was good (when is lemon meringue pie not good??). The service was slooooow and with attitude. In fact, probably the crappiest service I've experienced in a long time. I was not impressed and I'm going to call them tomorrow to let them know.

Somehow, whenever Ian and I get together for food, something odd happens. The bad service wasn't odd, it was just bad.

We'd walked into the city to snoop around in one of the more 'exclusive' gyms and after we'd walked back to where we started, we thought we'd stop for another coffee - somewhere else than the first place. I ordered a cafe latte. Standard. Easy. Ian ordered a regular coffee - you know, coffee, water, a little milk. Easy, right?

No, not an espresso. Regular black coffee with a little milk. Hot milk? No, cold. Ah, a long black, with milk? No, not that strong. Hmm, a macchiato? No, you know, coffee like you make at home. Ah, a shot? No. Just a regular coffee, with water, not milk. ....etc etc etc till we gave up and hoped for the best.

It took three staff discussing it between themselves to try and figure out what we were asking for....and they still managed to get it wrong. It just did not compute. We would have been better off ordering a decaf, half shot, frappa-deca, upside down, back to front, skinny caramel latte, in a mug, with a twist of lemon and a marshmallow. People are obviously so used to making the most simple things complicated that you can't get a plain damn cup of coffee these days.

Next time we catch up, we're gonna take a backpack with a thermos of hot water and a bottle of Nescafe to ensure the next cafe staff's heads don't all explode.

But it was fun!

Yeah, I know...

2008-05-30T22:13:00.002+10:00

Next Thursday is our once a month Headache Day, proudly brought to you by our sponsors at PMS Incorporated. It's also the day I've agree to start working with a new trainer and I'll be taking two sessions, back to back, in the evening. Le sigh...there's a good reason G-d invented pain killers. Good planning, E!

The dizziness and loss of sensation/balance from a few weeks ago has not come back, thankfully. I'm putting that down to too much work and lack of sleep.

What has come back is the chest pain. With a vengeance. It's been more than a week, but you know, if you don't mention it, it's not so bad. Keeping to myself has been my action of choice when I've felt...uncomfortable. People tend to get unsettled and call ambulances when you look like you're having a heart attack, even if you're not having a heart attack (and even if they know you've suffered the same symptoms for years). I've just gone about doing what I need to do - breathe - and just waiting for it to ease. The good thing is, I haven't felt like this in quite a number of months and I know it will pass. Soon would be good. And, no, I'm still not going to mention it to anyone unless it's necessary, because I'd like to keep pretending it's just anxiety. Avoidance is working for me right now.

Still drinking the smoothies! Tonight, I made two types.

1. 250g frozen raspberries, 250g frozen blueberries, 2 bananas, 3 big handfuls of baby spinach, 2 glasses of water. It looks like blood and tastes really good.

2. 500g of frozen mango, 4 big handfuls of baby spinach, 2 glasses of water. Looks very green, tastes like mango and is awesome.

Only four more weeks left of school!!

And yet...

2008-05-29T22:16:00.002+10:00

M has been in daily contact with me since almost day one of this year, despite the crazy-making hours I've been doing. The couple of odd occasions where we've not communicated on a certain day have been instigated by me when I've been in head-spinning, pea soup spitting moods, either directed at him, or something completely unrelated. He's like one of those cups that you can't tip over. Try as you might to make it stay tipped, it just stands right back up again. It's absolutely frustrating, but equally appealing.

But we still haven't met.

Midweek

2008-05-29T14:15:00.002+10:00

5.45am Out of bed

6.45am Leave the house

7.15am get to work and run 4kms

8.00am shower

8.15am start work

4.45pm finish work and go to school

6.00pm start school

9.15pm finish school and go home

10pm get home, make smoothie, get organised for next day

10.45pm into bed

5.00am out of bed

6.00am leave the house

6.15am arrive at the park in darkness

6.30am do toning class

8.00am go to work

8.30am start work

4.45pm finish work and go home

5.30pm collapse

Gr33n 33gs and ham

2008-05-25T16:36:00.003+10:00

In recognition of the fact that I'm starting out in a profession that encourages health and fitness, I figure I should be leading by example. Or at least trying. There are about a billion different products and supplements on the market, promoting all kinds of quick fixes, cures, and health benefits. Over the past few months, I've tried a number of them. A couple of supplements have appeared to work really well. Others don't seem to do much at all. Price doesn't seem to come into the equation on most of them.

I have found a couple of products that really do seem to work. One is a protein powder and I'd say it's the most expensive one on the market. It's certainly the most expensive one I've tried and seen. The other is a powder supplement that has a secondary use for aiding concentration (which I can do with right now), but its main use is to utilise stored fats better and release them for use as day to day energy, or when exercising. For now, I'll just say the little teaspoon of salty tasting powder before exercising really reduces tiredness and muscle soreness afterwards. I may even write to let them know how well I think it works. When these people start paying me to promote their products, I'll name them here.

It seems anything that is sold under the banner of health and fitness is automatically jacked up in price - a bit like when you put 'wedding' in a description. Red balloons for a party? Sure, 50c each. Oh, it's a wedding party? That will be $5 each! However, I literally stumbled into a non-descript health food store yesterday, which sells everything I want at much, much lower prices than I've seen anywhere else. Those people don't know it yet, but they're going to become some of my closest 'industry friends'.

Another part of me attempting to lead by example is that I've signed up for a two week challenge to eat green vegetable smoothies each day (in addition to regular meals etc). I recognise my diet is up the creek at the moment. I'm not at home long enough or often enough to even get enough proper rest, let alone cook well balanced meals. So, I've bought myself a blender and I've been making 'green smoothies' each day. Surprisingly, they taste ok. And it means I'm getting more fibre and more vegetables. Hopefully, that will translate to more energy, or a better digestive system, or something!

Smoothie #1 contains raw kale (which is a bit like cabbage and smells just like it, but looks like spinach), green apples, lemon juice and water. Smoothie #2, which I'll make tonight, contains bananas, strawberries and romaine lettuce. As much as I'm skeptical about the lettuce in that combo, I was about the kale, but it tastes better than it looks and sounds, so I'm being optimistic. There are others, with mint and pear, or spinach and mango, but I think I should let my poor insides adjust to healthy food slowly. I don't want to wake in the middle of the night with wars going on inside me.

The funny thing is I asked my housemate's evil spawn if they'd like to try some of the kale smoothie. They liked the damn stuff and even asked me to make more for them today when I started a new batch. Who'da thunk that?! Housemate is still very "Sam, I am" about it, but it's good to see the spawn like something that's actually good for them.

It's only been a few days and the novelty hasn't worn off yet, but I'd like to think the energy and health benefits will encourage me to stick to the challenge for the whole two weeks. I may even decide to continue with it once the challenge is over.

1001

2008-05-22T21:50:00.002+10:00

Post number 1,001! Woohoooo!

Life is interesting lately. Some things have sucked a bit and some things have gone really well. Overall, I'm tired, run down, slightly stressed and have no energy after work and school.

But I'm strangely content.

Interesting

2008-05-20T22:19:00.002+10:00

The curious thing about the situation in the last post is that the pusher knew they were pushing away. The person being pushed saw themselves as being saved. It's a positive outcome for both of them, even though the motives and justifications are from completely different angles.

For a while, I was seeing that situation only from the point of view of the pusher. But when the pushed doesn't know the underlying motive of the pusher, it's easy to put a more positive spin on the situation and see it as a favour being done....saved from a negative confrontation. Kinda takes the wind out of the pusher's sails, in a way.

...And suggests that bad stuff can be good if you just look from the other direction.

Perspective

2008-05-12T22:12:00.004+10:00

A person is pushed through a doorway to avoid a confrontation. Two people ponder the image.

One sees it as pushing the person away.
The other sees the person as being saved.

Who's right? Who is positive? Negative?
The answer depends on if you're looking at it from the point of view of the pusher, or the pushed.

Down to business

2008-05-11T09:42:00.002+10:00

There I was, happily back at class again, three times a week, thinking, "Ooh, this is good, I'm getting some good advice and skills here, but gee there's a lot to learn and our final assessment is going to be pretty difficult to complete in eight weeks, with everything else going on".

Yesterday, and I don't know why it didn't occur to me to do it previously, I read some of the first page or two of our assessment books. Who needs to read those, right? Just skip to the part that tells me exactly what I need to do, so I can get it done - I know why I'm doing it. Ok, I thought I knew why.

It turns out I'm working towards two certificates in small business and a business diploma. Holy cow! I have no idea why I didn't already know that.

Now I know why there is a page of 'recommended reading' business books (translate: you should read these while doing the course) to get through. Thankfully, I already have a few on the list. Now I know why an extra eight weeks of study is costing me so much.

It's going to be hard, but I'm enjoying it, even if it means I'll be writing business systems and marketing plans in my sleep, whilst I subliminally absorb books on tape.

Sara, just so you know...

2008-04-28T11:56:00.000+10:00

You are the best. Always will be.

xxx :-)

Thoughts and dreams

2008-04-26T09:58:00.002+10:00

The annoying thing about self-fulfilling prophecies is that sometimes they're fulfilled. Other times, not. Other times, you just can't tell. But, in other news...

I had a dream last night. Not a nice one. I was in a house with someone who was obviously my partner. I can't recall all the details to get us to the point, but we had to quickly shut ourselves into a cellar, by going through a door and down some stairs, because we needed to get away from someone.

Whoever my partner was, he got through the door. By the time it was my turn, someone else had come into the house (I think we were standing in the kitchen). I shut the door, so they wouldn't know my partner had already gone to hide and I outstretched my other arm to try to keep the person at bay.

He grabbed my wrist, took a small knife from his jacket, and carefully cut the vein in my wrist. I thought to myself it would hurt more if I looked, so I turned away as he did it. There wasn't a struggle. I was resigned to the fact he was going to do it and there was nothing I could do. I slumped to the floor and could literally feel the life draining out of me. Even when I woke up, it was such a strange sensation.

After he cut my wrist, I was on my knees and had fallen against his legs, as he stood. He leaned my head against his thighs, lifted my hair, took the knife and made another cut into my spine at the base of my skull. Again, I could feel my life literally draining away. It didn't hurt. It felt almost like I was simply getting heavier and heavier, but I was going to be asleep soon and that would be that.

I woke up at that point and still felt that way. It took a good half hour or so for me to adjust back to reality.

I'd had not the most pleasant of conversations prior to going to sleep, so I'm sure the dream is somehow related. It's a while since I've experienced such a vivid dream, though and I'm not keen on having another like it any time soon.

Nature

2008-04-20T08:12:00.003+10:00

Last Sunday, I needed to get away from suburbia for a while, so I drove about an hour away into the mountains. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, because it was sunny and pretty nice outside. There's a 7km fairly steep and winding road that takes you to where I was going. By the time I got to the top of the mountain, rain had started falling lightly.

There was a sign on the main road, pointing to a lookout area in the national park, so I thought I'd take a look. It was raining heavily by that time, when only minutes ago it had been sunny. I got out of my car and it was freezing outside. Fog had come in so quickly, I could not see anything past a few metres. Looking over the edge of the mountain, all I could see was white. But it was incredibly peaceful, and quiet, with nobody around and just the sound of the rain. I didn't stay long, because it was too cold, but it was worth the trip just to be there and be completely at peace for a moment.

I took this photo a week or so ago, from the oval where I take my outdoor classes. This was the sunset just before our session started.

I wish I had a camera with me yesterday morning. The sun came up during our first session. The sky was dark, but the sun was bigger than I think I've ever seen before. It sat just on the horizon as a massive bright orange ball and was truly an incredible sight. Next Saturday morning I'll be prepared and hopefully I'll get a good photo.

Hyper

2008-04-19T02:44:00.002+10:00

I picked up a new client this week; one of the girls in my office, who's technically my supervisor, but now I do most of my work directly for her boss. I'll train with her three times a week. This week was good. I didn't push her too hard, but I made sure she worked. Whatever I did, it's made her into my biggest fan and she's basically selling my services all over the office, which is great in a way. The unfortunate thing is she's so manic about it, she's annoying people, including me. She spends a lot of time, apparently, texting and emailing her friends about how good the training is, but it means she's not doing her work and that's falling onto other, already busy people, who are getting pissed off. I can't control that, but I will say something if it starts to mean people start to associate her bad work performance with my training.

I'm grateful that she's 'recruiting' clients for me and I've got at least one more person who's a definite. The flip side is she's encouraging other people to come train with us - um, no, not going to happen in a one on one session - and sent an email to the entire office (which is basically all the people in the court facility, the medical facility and the police facility on our site) trying to organise a running group and has proposed two 10km runs for everyone to do. Aarrrgh!

I already had a bit of a health incident at work last Friday and had to be driven home at lunch time. The last time I had similar symptoms, I was working at the school and they carted me off to hospital in an ambulance, because I lost all my motor skills. The nurses and ambulance staff actually fought over who would take my heart rate chart they produced while I was on the way to hospital, and eventually took half each. It was that unusual. This time was not so bad. But I know I have to be mindful of not pushing myself too hard....especially because school starts back up in a week, for another 8 weeks.

I think I can get around the current dilemma by organising a couple of group sessions per week, at lunch, or in the mornings. But I need to find a diplomatic way to get this girl to stop committing me to things. After our very first session, she told me one of the guys asked if he could come running with us. I said fine, because he's a sports coach and him running with us would not detract from what I do with her (if anything, I could learn from him). I spoke with him afterwards and discovered she suggested it to him, not the other way around.

I can do this if I plan well, eat well and get enough sleep. I just have to work out how to do that. The sleep thing is the biggest problem. It's 3am at the moment and I've been awake since 2am. Not that I sleep well at the best of times, but my sleep patterns have been extra shot this week. I need to be up at 6am to take two morning sessions. At least I can be back in bed before 10am. And it's Saturday! Yay!

Happy Birthday

2008-04-15T12:45:00.002+10:00

I wish I could link back to the site where I found this photo. Unfortunately, it's too close to home (family). I'm sure the 'owners' of the photo won't mind.

Simple things

2008-04-12T04:16:00.002+10:00

M and I have still not met. Quite frankly, there's a major part of me that's quite happy with that. It has the potential to change a whole bunch of things that I'm really not sure I'm ready to have changed. Besides, I barely have time to make time for someone at the moment. So, we haven't met and I don't mind.

But we're getting on great and that is something I appreciate. I am enjoying the moment. However, being that I'm a girl and sometimes prone to a ridiculous level of over-analysis, I've spent too much time thinking about the whole meeting thing. (Interestingly, I've spent little time worrying about what might happen after that. Too many possibilities.)

Today, he said, "I'm not gonna run away because, oh my god, shes not… B@rbie!!...If you like me too much I'll do something to make you unlike me to a point where you can handle the situation ok!!" I think that's funny...and it eases the tension I create in my brain. Posting things like this on my blog generally seems to jinx the situation, although I hope that doesn't happen.

Different

2008-04-07T23:19:00.003+10:00

Sometimes, I'm glad I don't do everything the conventional way. I'm glad I don't think like everyone else. I'm glad I see situations from a variety of different perspectives, rather than just one. I'm glad I'm different in a lot of ways.

I don't want to be the same.

Offerings

2008-04-03T20:45:00.002+11:00

I had a call from an agency about a job to interview for last week. I got the position description today. It's full time, in the city, working for good people in a good environment. The money is...well, it's a lot.

The thing is, I think I've already decided not to go for the interview. I need the money badly and the regular income would be good. But it's not what I want to do. I don't want to be in an office. I want to work how and when I want (within reason, obviously). Turning down the opportunity will mean I stay in financial mud for a while longer.

Turning it down will also mean I'm doing the right thing for myself. It feels good to know that, but it's still going to be hard to make the call.

Dead tired

2008-04-02T20:28:00.002+11:00

I don't have much to really talk about, but since Ian asked so nicely for an update, here I am. :p

The top guy in our office came to see me first thing this morning. I've been given more and more responsibility each day for the last few days and I was wondering what the heck I'd be doing next. He actually took the time to go from his building all the way to mine (not a long way, but kinda inconvenient) to let me know three of the people I've been working for have said I've been producing work of superior quality and everything I do for them is exceptional. Did not expect that! But it was pretty cool acknowledgment.

In other news of the day, this was our weather this afternoon. I don't remember the wind being so strong in the 12 years I've lived here. One of our major bridges had vehicles restricted down to regular cars (no trucks, caravans, motorbikes, cars with trailers etc) and the outside lanes closed due to wind gusts and the subsequent diverted traffic was insane. Most of our staff went home just after lunch time and the CEO came around to my office about 3pm and said she thought we should go home. I left just before 4pm and I've never seen the city in such gridlock. My car felt like it was going to move at one point when I was sitting at a set of lights and a gust swept past. Not something I expected at all! We get extremes of weather all the time, but it's rare we get wind like this. We were joking earlier in the day about people rushing out to buy tinned food and stock up for Armageddon, but the whole day was a bit surreal.

Of course, Melbourne being Melbourne, tomorrow is going to be about ten degrees less than today and we'll freeze our arses off. I actually like living in a city where I have to check the weather bureau website each night and again in the morning, no matter the season, to make sure I'm prepared for the right weather, or a combination of every kind of weather possible. Keeps life interesting.

No personal training work updates other than to say I'm loving it. But you already knew that.

Testing, testing

2008-03-27T21:57:00.003+11:00

My outdoor training coach is tonight calling people who trained with me while he was away over the weekend. As long as he doesn't call the girl I winded with a 4kg medicine ball (yep, my bad!), all should be good. He needs to get feedback on how I went and if the clients liked the classes etc.

I realised tonight I'm a lot less confident in my instruction when he's around than when he's not. Hopefully that will be reflected by positive feedback on my classes sans coach. Actually, it's not that I'm less confident. He's more loud, so he makes my loud seem quiet in comparison.

The good news is, I'm finally being paid. Work experience is over!

The next step is to have the woman who owns the franchise company to come out and watch me take a class so I can get accreditation with them and officially be registered as outdoor training qualified. I've met her a couple of times before, and she's really nice, so I don't mind her watching me. Sort of.

Who'da thunk it?

2008-03-25T20:01:00.002+11:00

If you give 15 people the option of skipping rope or doing push-ups, they choose push-ups?

Or give them the option of a nice, slow jog for a couple of hundred metres, or squats with a medicine ball, they choose the squats?

Surprises, every day.

Blerg!

2008-03-24T20:56:00.002+11:00

Not all protein powders are the same. I knew when I took the large can off the shelf, I should have maybe gone for the smaller option, but hey, I've had protein powders before and they were alright. I find myself requiring a serious psychological effort now to prepare myself to make another shake tomorrow morning.

The powder by itself tastes fine. The skim milk by itself tastes fine. Together they taste....well, you know when you go to hospital and they make you drink that thick, foul barium drink, or whatever it is? That's what it is like. After the first mouthful, I thought, well it's only 250ml, that's not so bad. Uh, yeah, it is. I haven't struggled so much to drink so little in a while. Thankfully, I had a bottle of water on hand to wash it down.

I am going to have to find out what the hell I can put into this stuff to make it taste better and still keep it fat and sugar free. Chocolate never tasted so bad.

Tomorrow morning, I'm starting a cleanse with granulated psyllium husks. I bought 'original flavour' of that powder and I'm thinking that was probably a mistake as well. Oh, well, as long as I can get it down...

What's that you said?

2008-03-22T09:58:00.002+11:00

I really dislike public speaking. I fidget and do all the wrong things when I'm talking to people, like play with my buttons, or fold my arms, or some other bad body language movement.

It's amazing how quickly I've gotten over that, being forced to stand in front of 12-16 people a couple of times a week and tell them what to do for an hour. It's amazing that they actually listen. Lack of confidence, I guess, had me expecting people would look at me and ask who the hell was I and why should they do what I say. Strangely, they just accept it and do what they're asked, even when they don't like it or don't want to.

I'm also finding it's helping other things. In different situations now, where I was previously concerned about getting a negative response, I have more confidence now to expect that whatever I ask for, I'll get. Well, within reason, obviously.

I needed this. I needed to go waaaay outside my comfort zone - and I'm still operating way on the outside of where I'm comfortable - to see that being out there isn't so bad. If you talk loud enough and say the right things, people will listen.

I'm learning about myself. I'm finding my voice.

Sweet sleep

2008-03-20T21:01:00.003+11:00

I will sleep in tomorrow, for the first time since I don't know when. In fact, I have nothing planned for tomorrow, so I may just stay in bed all day.

I took my first full solo session, with no coaching tonight and it went perfectly. The exercises worked, the timing was spot on, and a newbie said she didn't like me anymore. Perfect! (You know you're doing a good job when they start making it personal.)

My coach was happy and I now have the keys. Having the keys means my sleeping in is short lived. I have to take two early morning sessions on Saturday, because my coach will be interstate for Easter. He also told me tonight that he won't be back for Tuesday, so I have to take the kick boxing session on Tuesday night. Wooohoo! Fun! But also a bit scary, because there are a few amateur boxers and black belt martial artists in that group. I have to look like I know what I'm doing. Nothing like a bit of pressure, huh!

What else is news? Um, oh if I want work with another outdoor training franchisee (same company), I can pick my days, so that's good. The only problem is he has limited session times and they're all the same style. Maybe I can convince him to add more sessions or do something else.

In the meantime, thanks to Ian giving me the contact, I've been offered work as a personal trainer in a gym around the corner from where I'm working right now. They want to put my profile on a new website they're building. Aaarrrrgggh! I have no real details yet, because it was literally a 30 second phone call (Hey we want you to work for us. Cool. Here's what we need from you. Ok. Come and see us next week. Sure.) Of course, I hyperventilated from excitement for the next half hour or so and the women in my office looked at me like I had three heads, but they were happy I was happy.

Oh!! Ha! Silly me! I graduated last night! D'oh! How could I forget that? I go back and complete my business subjects at the end of April, for 8 weeks, but for employment purposes, I'm done!!! Finally!

I'm sure there's more, but I can't remember. Maybe I'll add more later.

Breathe in, breathe out

2008-03-16T17:50:00.004+11:00

It's been a peaceful few days in my house. My housemate has been away, so I've been solo for 3 days. Bliss! Considering the heat has been intense and my mood has been less than friendly, it's probably a good thing he was away.

He's been back for about half an hour. My blood pressure has already risen considerably. First, he came in the door and tried to change the channel on the tv while I was watching the F1 race, saying it was boring. Um, I like formula one and I watch the Melbourne race every year. So he bitched for a bit before proceeding to put his own tv on and start playing a smash-em-up race car game. Yeah, that makes sense.

I've been trying to finish some assignments for school all weekend, and not having much luck, because my brain doesn't like thinking all that much in really hot weather. Now I have video game noise and music up loud in the background, despite me asking him to turn it down. I am not pleased.

If it weren't so damn hot and I had more energy, I might ask him to turn it down again. But I can't be bothered. I can see myself waiting till the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, because the fan is pushing hot air around the bedroom, to finish the rest of my assignments. My blood pressure has been spiking up and down for the past few days, as I've gone through various stages of anxiety over final assessments and getting my assignments done. It changes by the hour. Right now, it's up there.

I am a leo. I am a cat (even though I'm also a Rat, go figure) and cats don't like doing much of anything at the best of times. When it's hot, we get even more lethargic and irritable. I have no energy. I cannot wait for winter to come. I was born in winter for a reason!

I've eaten more ice cream today, in an effort to remain cool, than I care to admit to, but water stopped having any decent effect early this morning. Yet another week of stifling heat to look forward to. And a night of video game music torture and the sound of smashing cars. Yay. Not.

I've been thinking more often lately about moving out of here, but current circumstances make that an impossible option. I need to find a short -mid term solution.

Tears and tears

2008-03-11T20:50:00.003+11:00

I'm a little amazed at the high number of injuries our outdoor training clients have. Maybe it's an across the board thing and what I'm seeing is concentrated, but damn, people hurt themselves more than me! I have to clarify, it's not just when they're training. Back injuries from work, rolled ankles from lord knows what, hamstring tears (that happened on my watch last night and I felt awful about it), shoulder injuries, calf strains.... Or you have nights like tonight, where everyone works hard and it all comes together. Tonight was good.

But there were almost tears afterwards. I've been doing strength training with one of the clients for a practical assessment I have to do for school. Tonight was our last night and I know she was disappointed that it was going to end. For contract reasons, my trainer and I are not allowed to take the group class clients as personal paying clients. She wants the extra training so she can lose weight and have a baby. She's also decided she wants to do a 10km run in 16 weeks. We told her tonight she could continue her sessions with me twice a week, for no payment. I'll be doing it in my own time, before the group sessions. I thought she was going to cry when I told her. I thought if she cried, I would have cried and I'm glad she didn't. Really, I don't care if she doesn't pay me. For an hour of my time each week, I'm helping to give someone a better life. That's pretty cool to me and if she does that run in 16 weeks, that will be payment enough. To be honest, her smile was enough.

Moving on

2008-03-08T20:50:00.004+11:00

I'm a little superstitious about posting stuff about boys here, these days, so we'll just bump that note down one spot now.

The charming Mr Jones (aka Ian) put me in touch with a gym owner he knows and I went and saw the gym and both partners a couple of times last week. The first time was just for a chat. The second time, I meant to just go down and see how they run a group class. It turned out nobody showed up, which is highly unusual, so I hung around to chat for a while. The next thing I knew, I was giving suggestions and assisting to train a couple of guys - in my office clothes, on my lunch break. But it was fun and somehow I think I managed to make it look like I actually had a clue what I was doing.

Did I mention I'm going to be paid from now on for my outdoor group classes? On top of that, I'll be taking classes on my own a couple of times a week, the last two weeks of every month. Easter Saturday should be interesting. It'll be the first time I'll take two full classes - toning and cardio - back to back, on my own, as my trainer will be interstate. It'll be an early morning and a challenge, but I've already worked out I can be home and back in bed by 9.30am hehe. If my housemate's evil spawn are here that weekend, I'll just have to spike their breakfast cereal with a sedative. They have no concept of quiet....or manners, or cleanliness, or respect for adults.

Anyway, so if I get some work at the gym I went to, it'll mean I have 3 jobs (gym, outdoor and my temp job at the city of the dead (which I love, because it satiates my morbid fascination of unnatural deaths and the medical/anatomy side is helping me with school etc)), plus school. But it's all in an effort to keep moving towards where I want to be. I may be a zombie for a while, but it should only be temporary till about June (which feels so far off from now!).

I'm still training for The Trek. I just have had no time to update that blog. Besides, "I ran another x kilometres today" can get a bit boring after the first few times it's been mentioned.

I may have to wear ear plugs to bed tonight. The neighbours behind our place are having an outdoor party. They're so loud, I woke up from my afternoon sleep (read: I fell asleep as soon as I got home from school) and thought my housemate had his family and evil spawn over. I'm on the opposite side of the house to where their party is, but I can pretty much hear all the conversations and music as if I were holding the party myself. Channel Yoda and show self restraint, I will. Or people could get hurt.

It seems my housemate has less patience than I do. His bedroom is right across, only a few feet, from where the girl behind was having her party outside. At midnight, he asked if she'd keep the noise down (I could still hear it from my room). She ignored. He asked again for them to at least go inside. They ignored. He started yelling. Party goers started yelling. He threw water. They threw food. Yeah, it was mature. Eventually, my housemate called the police, because it was just ridiculous. Meanwhile, I was standing on my balcony, watching the stars and trying to remain as peace-filled as possible. The noise didn't stop for another 90 minutes after the police left. I slept in late today.

Spinning wheel

2008-03-07T20:10:00.002+11:00

There's someone in my life at the moment who is turning my brain inside out and challenging me in dozens of positive ways. The circumstances of our acquaintance are a little unorthodox and under normal conditions, I'd have run for the hills weeks ago. I feel as though even saying this here, I'm opening myself up to jinxing all the good that has happened to date. That's the way it seems to go as soon as I mention something like this on my blog. Posting a photo is certain death. I have faith in the universe this time. It's what's kept this dance alive as long as it has.

We've not met in person. We've not spoken. For now, we're happy to keep it that way, even though we could meet half way between our houses in about 15 minutes. I should clarify that the only reason I would have run for the hills prior to now is that we've been in touch for a decent amount of time and we've not progressed past email. But, that's a choice we've made and strangely enough, I'm comfortable with it. Obviously, there has to come a time when we will meet. We've chosen neutral ground for that. We're just not ready, because we're getting all we need from what we have now.

There's a fear factor, too, on both our parts. How can a random meeting, a chance mouse click bring with it such chemistry? I dunno. Fear of losing that chemistry in the real world is something we've discussed and the conclusion is that nothing will be lost, but things will obviously change. So why don't we do it? This all came about by chance. We both did something we wouldn't normally do, and we met. The universe guided that. Whether or not anyone else believes that is moot. We do. So we're letting the universe decide how and when we meet in person, without forcing the issue. The great thing about that is it removes a whole bunch of pressure. Nerves are another thing entirely, but eh, that's to be expected anyway.

I am alive

2008-02-26T21:37:00.003+11:00

Just to let you know.

This week has been good in that I have not sustained anymore stupid injuries, fallen over, bumped anything, snapped or smashed any part of my body.

But I am ridiculously tired and burnt out. I went to a fitness industry night tonight, where basically all the clubs beg you to work for them (yes, it works backwards to any other industry) and handed out a couple of resumes. One where I would love to work. The other with the place I'm already doing work experience. (Ian, FF lock you into a 12 month contract, but you can do work on the side as well, outside FF. Dunno if that's the case where you're at now?)

Anyway, I'm alive and around. Just too tired to type.

Hope you're all happy and well. I'll check in when I can.

This week

2008-02-19T20:56:00.002+11:00

Ok, so it didn't start off peachy, with my shoulder still sore, but at least it's improving.

I ran 8km around the bigparknearthecity on Sunday. Actually, it's almost 8kms and it's twice around. I knocked 4 minutes off my previous time, which is cool, especially considering I didn't hurt as much and it was 10 degrees hotter.

On the way home, I decided to get a protein drink from stinkin 7-11. Jerk tried to charge me 25% more for it than the sign said it cost. Then he was a smart arse about it when I questioned him. I had other stuff I wanted to buy, but as soon as he said in his stupid smart arse tone, "well, that's the price, are ya gonna buy it?", I said no and left everything there on the counter. Unfortunately, as I stormed out the door, I hit my forearm, near my wrist, on the edge of the door. That was Sunday. Today I have a bruise that is about the size of an egg. Nice.

So that's a shoulder injury and a rather large bruise.

Last night, I had to go downstairs in the middle of the night. My housemate had his bedroom door open, so I decided not to turn the light on. I slipped down the stairs. My right knee is sore, but I'm pretending it's not. As I fell, I instinctively put my arm out to hold myself up. Yeah, the one that was already sore. Yeah, it hurt.

Now we have a shoulder injury, a bruise and a fall down the stairs. Can it get better?

How about having to proof a cause of death report on someone who is the same weight as me, but slightly taller and read them described as obese? Ian, thank you for your email. I wasn't having a good moment! If I could be bothered, I'd get my soapbox out in reference to those ridiculous BMI tests. Ggrrrrr!

But the universe wasn't done with me. I checked my bank balance to find a payment had come out that I hadn't expected, so I was in negative figures for the first time ever. And had no cash. Yes, things are that pitiful till this job starts paying me a regular income.

Suffice to say, it's not been a pleasant few days.

Till I got to class tonight. I'm still not entirely confident and I'm not so used to thinking on the spot and being able to coordinate everyone smoothly, but I'm getting better at it. My trainer threw me in the deep end tonight. I wasn't happy and my arm was hurting, so I asked not to take the parts I usually take. In the middle, he got me to take over. Sheeesh! Before and after that, I was just pushing people, correcting technique, encouraging, etc.

We were boxing (me with my one arm hehe) and it was stinking hot, so it was hard to motivate people. I felt like I pushed them more than they wanted. He said I did ok and was good at making sure I worked with everyone one on one. All I need is to be louder and more confident (in myself), but that'll come.

One girl said she didn't like me anymore and I said that's ok, because I know she doesn't mean it. At the end of the class two of the girls came up, thanked me for pushing them, and asked when I'd be back. That makes the rest of what's been a really shitty week worth it.

It has to get better from here.

Hey, folks...

2008-02-15T18:57:00.002+11:00

If you want to test your partner, or are pissed off after a fight, don't try hanging yourself for attention and hope they find you before it works. They generally don't. Sigh...

Has it been that long?

2008-02-14T23:51:00.002+11:00

Time flies!

Gonna try to keep this short, because it's almost midnight. I'm only awake coz I missed my sleep window and now I'm waiting for the next one. Otherwise, I'll be lying awake all night in the dark.

School is excellent, as usual. However, I have injured my rotator cuff muscles. How badly, I don't know. It's my left shoulder, which means it's no fun to write, put clothes on, do my hair, change gears in the car....anything that involves moving it all that much. I did this last Saturday. Boxing, of course. What else? It seems to be getting better, but it's a literal pain.

I have a new temp job. I can't say where on here. Think typing reports for CSI. Very cool and morbidly fascinating. The room in movies where they identify bodies behind the glass? I was there today. There was a body. Thankfully, it was covered. I'm really not into being that up close and personal to the deceased (ok, except the ghostly type). It's interesting that all the staff are upbeat, positive and make sure they have fun on their breaks. It's a happy environment and I hope I like it there for the next month or so as much as I did today.

Still doing work experience and loving it. I'm taking a good percentage of each class now and the trainer is putting me on the spot. Like tonight, for example, I thought I'd mostly be observing, but we basically took half the class each, even though I had a busted arm. I learnt it doesn't matter how many times you tell people that even though you're only using one arm, they have to use two, there will be one person who copies exactly what you do. Yes, one guy used one arm most of the night. I gave up trying to explain to him to use both. I'm pretty much guaranteed to have at least two classes a week of my own once I complete my course. Scary and exciting!

I don't have much else to report. 'The Trek' is pending, because there's a lot of unrest in that area at the moment and a tree has been laid across the track with threats of violence to tourists who try to go through. So...we wait and see. Meanwhile, I'll continue to train. I ran almost 8km on Sunday...with a busted arm. Not fun, but I need the exercise and release since I've got so much going on at the moment.

And...isn't it interesting that the moment you stop looking for something, it finds you, trips your feet out from underneath you and totally spins your mind? I should have learnt by now to expect the unexpected.

Would you trust this face?

2008-02-05T21:59:00.000+11:00

Apparently, someone does. Have I mentioned the name of the group I'm doing work experience with? If yes, let me know, so I can delete it.

I have that 80s song "Ive got the power" running through my head. Unfortunately, I'm also picturing Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty while it plays. Such a waste of water in that fire hydrant scene!

I have, sitting beside me, a document. Practically a bible for the type work experience I'm doing. My life depends on me a) not losing it b) making sure I take it back to its owner on Thursday. I should not have it and technically, at this stage, I am not allowed to see it. So, I'm excited, because I get the importance of having it for the next 24 hours.

The flip side is the pressure will now be on in terms of my performance. It's definitely a challenge. Luckily, as much as my whole body hurts right now (full weight session, cardio work out & kick boxing work out in two days! Ack!), I'm enjoying it.

We're not allowed to use the lift at school. Walking up 5 flights of stairs to class tomorrow night is not going to be pleasant. Did I mention our gym is on the ground floor and class is on the top floor? Up, down, up, down, up, down....

But, I have the book and that is good.

How 'bout that!

2008-02-05T10:29:00.000+11:00

I'm now a health professional. In six more weeks, I'll have the next qualification. Not sure if that means I'll be healthier, or more professional. Hopefully both, but will probably depend upon who you're asking.

Ghosts

2008-02-03T18:02:00.000+11:00

Ghost #1 for today. Or whatever it was.

I did an 8km walk today. More details will eventually be on the other blog, but I won't go into detail here, coz that's not what this post is about.

There were a lot of people around, but not so many that I couldn't keep track of who was in front or behind me. About half way around the track, I saw some people ahead of me, walking in a group. In front of them, there was one guy, kneeling on the ground and looking in a backpack. On one side of the track was the road. On the other, a six foot steel fence with spikes at the top.

The kneeling guy was about 15 metres in front of me. I looked down at my feet and adjusted my hat, and looked up again. That took all of a couple of seconds. When I looked up, the guy was nowhere. Gone. It only took me a few more seconds to walk to where I saw him. I could see through the fence. He hadn't gone over it. He also had not crossed the street, because I stopped to look. He was just not there anymore. Vanished. Very weird! My housemate thinks the heat made me hallucinate, but I know the dude was there and then he was not. Just odd.

Ghost #2. Who remembers James? Huh, huh? I know some of you do.

Who knows what possessed me (maybe the guy on the track), but he was on line today and I contacted him to say hi. It turns out he looked for me on LDR a couple of times. I asked why and he said just to say hello, but I found it curious he'd do that.

I can't really describe how I feel chatting to him now, but it's good. He asked if I would mind if we kept in touch. I don't really chat on line anymore, but I'd be happy for that. He's a nice guy, even though he was doofus enough to miss his chance - twice - with an awesome Aussie chick.

Strange days, indeed.

Two more sleeps!

2008-02-02T16:50:00.001+11:00

On Monday, I do my final practical assessment and I'll be certified. Or certifiable. Or both.

We did our outdoor circuit training and program writing assessments today and it went really well. The instructor said my group created the best circuits, planned the best, organised and coached the best. Seriously, we worked our collective butts off and we're going to hurt tomorrow - I hurt already - but we got excellent results and got noticed. That's what matters.

I can't believe I'll have another qualification in two days. My first for this course. It's exciting.

The job saga become a colossal stuff up yesterday afternoon. I had to turn down the temp role, because it was taking too long for the other companies to get back to me. The full time admin role was not given to me, because the lady said they didn't realise they had to pay agency fees for me and the agency wouldn't budge or negotiate on that. I rang the agency and they said nobody had talked to them and if it meant giving me the job, they'd bring the agency fee right down. So now I have to call that company on Monday and tell them I know it's not about the fee and to contact the agency.

I know it's really about how much money I want, but if the agency can make it hurt less, I still might have a chance. The agency with the temp role had only just given it to another person when I called to tell them what had gone on. They were pissed too, but have three people looking for work for me now, which I appreciate a lot.

I got a document from my gym/school today, requesting reference details in relation to the job I applied for there, so that's good news. I know the pay will probably not be something I can live on and the work won't be entirely stimulating, but lots of prominent industry people walk through those doors each week to coach and do workshops, so it would be a great environment to build contacts and be noticed. I'm not getting my hopes up though, coz I'm stressed enough as it is with no work without working myself up even more.

If my legs aren't too sore tomorrow, I'll be doing hill climbs at the Botanical Gardens. Joy. At least there's nice scenery.

Nothing and everything #2

2008-02-01T09:07:00.000+11:00

On Wednesday, I called the local outdoor fitness franchise and said I was looking for work experience. We chatted for all of two or three minutes before he asked me to turn up at 6am Thursday morning and help him take his cardio class. WTF?! That was yesterday.

When I got there, he said I could just join the class for the session. Half way through, he said I could take the cool down/stretching. An easy thing to do, but scary all the same. The class gave me a collective "who do you think you are?" look, but I expected that. The trainer said I did well and asked me to go back next Tuesday morning and maybe take the initial ten minutes warm up part of the class. That's scarier than taking the last bit. I qualify on Monday night, so it will also be my first real session as someone who's actually supposed to know what they're doing. Ha!

Apparently, they have a set number of work experience sessions you're allowed to do, but he's already said if we get on, he'll bend the rules, because he's looking for another trainer, so if I'm good enough, I'll get paid work sooner rather than later. I liked his class, so I'm looking forward to going back. Not so excited about having to get up at 5am for the first time in a number of months, but thats' what I signed up for.

Immediately after that, I had an interview with a guy who owns a resistance training gym that's just about to open. It's the first of its kind in Australia and the equipment is different from anything anyone else has. However, it's still a circuit gym at the end of the day, so I don't think it would be very stimulating after a while. We'll see. He's going to call me on Saturday to see if he can offer me some hours. I'll make my mind up then.

Back to Wednesday night. I was talking to my class instructor, saying I needed to find balance between having a real job (read: one that pays enough for me to live on), getting work experience, going to school and training for 'The Trek'. To cut a long story short, he mentioned the main personal trainer at our school/gym is leaving and had made that decision that day. He suggested I call the office and ask for the job, since I'll be qualified to do gym instruction as of Monday night. I called, I emailed my resume. I have no idea the full hours or the pay rate, but if I can get it, I'll take it. I know I'll have to get extra work as well, but it's ideal in terms of location and experience.

Unfortunately (fortunately?) I also got a call from an agency about admin work yesterday. They have a 4 week contract, starting Monday. If I take it, I have to commit to the entire assignment. It's crap money, but better than none. If I take it, I may miss the gym one, or better paying contract work. If I wait to hear on the gym one, I will definitely miss the admin one. I still don't know what to do and I have to give the agency an answer in the next 30-60 minutes. That's my immediate dilemma.

Not much is going on, but it feels like so much is going on.

Nothing and everything #1

2008-02-01T08:40:00.000+11:00

I feel like I've done a million things this week and somehow am not much further ahead than when I started.

On Wednesday, I found out when you need to go for an interview and it's a stinking hot day outside, it's probably best not to walk across the entire city to get to the interview, or you'll end up hot, sticky and pretty disheveled. There are better ways to achieve that look than hiking across the city in the heat. The interview went well, but I'm annoyed at the people. I emailed them the salary I am looking for (if I am going to work in an office), so they knew what I wanted. At the end of the interview, I wanted to confirm they understood what I was after and asked again. Sigh....of course not. Yes, we know what you specified. No, we're not really offering that, but we could work up to that over time. They know I need work and I don't want to settle. It's one thing to accept a totally crap wage to get an initial start in the fitness industry. It's another to settle in an industry in which I have excellent skills and experience. Oh well, I will cross that bridge when/if I get offered the position.

After that interview, I walked back to school, got changed into cooler clothes and went across the road to the supermarket to buy myself lunch and dinner items. Plastic bag in hand, full of groceries, fruits, cheese, drinks, I was walking up the escalators and who the heck knows how, but I tripped up the escalator and now have a shin that looks like I've been attacked by an industrial size cheese grater. There was a guy standing behind me, who caught my peach as it bounced down the 5 steps to where he was standing - grinning at me. The arse fell out of the bag, because it got caught on the edge of the stairs, so every time I put things back in, they'd fall out the bottom again. Meanwhile, I was conscious of having to get everything off the stairs, somehow into the bag and me standing up before my fingers and groceries were sucked into the top of the escalator.

I was very close to kicking the shin of the security guard who stood at the top and watched, not offering to help, or see if I was ok. Mind you, at that stage I hadn't looked to see what I'd done to myself and it didn't start to hurt like a bitch till I looked. I got back to school and asked for some antiseptic wipes from the first aid kit. Of course, they'd run out of those and only had alcohol wipes. Holy cow (I used more interesting expletives than that) those things sting on an open wound!! Thankfully, the first shot of pain made my leg practically numb, so cleaning up afterwards didn't hurt as much as you'd think. Funnily enough, I have no noticeable bruising, which is good. Just gashes. But they look kinda cool.

I'll do a part 2 or this post will get really long...

Checking in

2008-01-25T22:40:00.000+11:00

Happy Australia Day! (26/1) Three day weekend!

On Monday, I'm going to Ferntree Gully with some people from my class (or without them, if they can't go) to do the Thousand Steps. Apparently, there are just short of 800 steps, but I reckon by the time you've done the entire 5km walk, it'd feel like 10,000. My first big training challenge for 'The Trek'.

Somehow I've also managed to get myself roped into doing a 14.2km run at the end of March, for charity, with my class. With the debacle of my brother's run in the back of my mind, I'm wondering what I've signed myself up for. But I have 8 weeks to train. Hmmm...

I've been busy setting up a blog for donations to raise money to get our airfares and equipment for 'The Trek'. I've also set up two fundraising pages for the charities for whom we want to raise money. Be forewarned - I'm not posting details here, so there are no link backs or search engine hits, but I will be spamming everyone I know with links to the pages. I hope everyone will be kind enough to forward the links to anyone they think might want to help in some way, or at least come up with ideas to help me promote this thing (keeping in mind I'm time and money poor right now). I've not done anything like this before, and it's a little overwhelming at the moment. But...I'm determined to get what we need, get ourselves there, and raise as much money as we can in the process.

I almost had to use my newly acquired first aid knowledge this morning. I was reading my book on the tram and half sleeping, when a girl across from me suddenly stood up and said, "Oh shit!" Across the road, a guy was lying face down on the footpath. He moved just slightly, like he was shaking, but then just lay there. The girl got up to call the emergency line and the girl beside her went to make the driver stop. I got my shit together to get off the tram. It's funny, my mind was racing, but I played out in my head exactly what I was going to do without having to think about it. As it turned out, I didn't have to get off the tram - and I don't know why, but the driver didn't open the doors or stop anyway. Three people on that side of the street ran over to help the guy just as we were working out whether to jump the tram or not. Still, my heart raced for a while afterwards. It was interesting - and disappointing - to see the lack of concern from most people on the tram. We were only two blocks from a major hospital, so I'm sure the guy got whatever help he needed. I've seen much, much worse, but the feeling in your stomach is always the same.

I finish my temp job on Tuesday. I'll have money to pay the rent, which is good. Also good is that I have an interview with the head office of that company on Wednesday. They sent around an internal email about an admin job. I enquired about the salary and got the usual 'depends on experience, send us your resume' response. I did, and I told them the salary I wanted and that I assumed it was a lot more than the position is offering. They replied back asking to see me. That can only be positive. And it's in the city. And it's close to school. And it's on the 9th floor, so I'll have plenty of stairs on which to train every day. I wish I didn't need something like this so much, coz I don't want to push my luck with the universe right now. Still, I'm hopeful.

That's all for now. I did a kickboxing workout on Wednesday night and now it's kicking my arse. Every time I moved last night, my whole body hurt, so I didn't sleep well. Laughing or coughing today? I felt like I'd been operated on all over again. Good pain. But it's made me tired. I'll be recovered just in time to hike on Monday. Lucky me, huh! ;-)

It's definitely happening

2008-01-17T19:46:00.000+11:00

Dad and I are going to trek the military track at K0-k0-d@ (don't want my family googling and ending up here!) in August.

I have faith the money and means to get there will present themselves without too much hard work. I'm looking at being sponsored and raising money for a charity or two. If I'm going to put myself through that much pain, I may as well do it for a good cause.

Speaking of pain, the training is going to hurt (in a good way), so I'm starting now. The more I do now, the less it will hurt (hopefully!) when I'm there. That's the theory I'm working on anyway.

The first day of the trip? My birthday!

Yes!

2008-01-16T21:37:00.000+11:00

I love, love, love my course. It's interesting, it's fun, the trainers are great, I'm learning an insane amount about all sorts of things, not just fitness, and the rest of my class are cool people.

I feel inspired and excited every time I go there. On Saturday, we're going to have a big debate about training techniques and opinions/theories that really get people fired up. That should be fun! This afternoon, before class, I happened to run into our trainer when we were in the city looking for something to eat, so we sat and had a really good chat for about half an hour on a bunch of stuff I'll post about another time. The best bit, though, is on Saturday he's bringing a whole lot of research he's done to back up why things (in the fitness industry) should or shouldn't be done certain ways. Because I'm a geek in a lot of ways, I have my own research to take along. It'll be interesting to see what's the same and what differs, depending on the sources.
Oh, and there's a guy coming in on Monday, before we start our session, to spend half an hour helping our class write specific resumes for the different types of jobs we're all applying for over the next few weeks.

It's all good. :-)

This and that

2008-01-12T21:51:00.000+11:00

Ooooh boy! Hey, Jones, have you ever been to FF Platinum in the city? Holy cow! I got gym lust in there today. I checked it out with another guy in my class on our lunch break today. Man, I've never seen so many spin bikes in one place - or treadmills, or boxing stuff. Geez! There's even security to get in the damn door; the receptionist has to buzz you in. J and I had to sign visitor passes just to be allowed in to look around. We felt dumb when we couldn't find the exit, coz it was hidden behind some indoor plants, but the receptionist says that happens to everyone. We thought it was just a ploy to make people stay longer. Can't find your way out? Well, may as well do some more weights. We escaped with a couple of magazines, just because we could.

Speaking of boys, my brother is still in hospital. He ate and held down his first food a day or so ago, but the doc said something about having clots in his liver so he needed to stay. He was supposed to go home tomorrow, however that's now been changed to Monday. He's not allowed to eat beef at all and I think that's to do with not being able to digest it. I guess he'll tell me the whole story tomorrow when I visit him. (Jones, to answer your question, he did a 7km fun run in 40C heat. He passed out at the finish line and hit his head when he fell. He was so dehydrated that he screwed up his kidneys, liver and did muscle damage. Apparently, he also had some kind of intestinal bug that hadn't shown itself yet, which made things worse - and explains why he couldn't stop throwing up for a few days, even after they hydrated him. He had at least one blood transfusion, because he had hardly any platelets. That's the short version! And I read an article from our lovely major newspaper the other day saying there was no reason for people to drink 8 glasses of water a day. I think I can confidently say that's crap.)

Yet more on the subject of boys. I got a slightly bizarro email from my ex study partner's girlfriend, asking me what my feelings for him were/are, because she thinks I would make a better girlfriend for him than her and she couldn't do everything for him that he needs, but I can. Very strange. I replied that I didn't think that was a good plan (in a nicer, more diplomatic way). We exchanged a couple more emails. They're both still talking to me and each other (he emailed to let me know she told him she'd emailed me), so I guess it's all good. Just odd. Well, it's not all good. They have a number of things to sort out. I've just been taken out of the equation and that bit is good. Like I need to get into something that complicated!

Work is......aaaaaaaarrrrgggh! I have no idea how people do the same job, exactly the same thing, all day every day, indefinitely. I stuffed up a bank deposit slip, so my banking was out the other day by a couple of thousand dollars. It was easily fixed, but I was pissed off that I made a mistake - my first. Considering I've been having to balance a couple of million every day, and I've never even done this kind of accounts before, I was impressed with my run of no mistakes. That's one side of the job. There's also a lot of things that are super labour intensive. I have no idea who came up with the ideas and I've shown them ways to make life easier already, but damn, there are things I would have thought could be done with a press of a button in their accounting program, but noooo it's done in an excel spreadsheet and takes days to complete. Eh, I'm getting paid and that's what matters.

The people are nice. It's definitely going to be like leaving a full time job when I do leave. Temping a day here and a day there, despite having to learn whole new systems just to get by for 8 hours, is much easier. I'm a bit indecisive about what I want to do now, with regards to working full time - or not. I need to find a balance between earning enough money to survive, having a job that will provide that, getting experience in a gym (which won't provide the money yet), studying, and doing everything else I need to do each week, without burning out. It's been on my mind in the last week and I haven't come up with a solution yet. I'm confident that solution will present itself soon, whatever it is.

My diet at the moment is all out of kilter and I'm not sure why. I'm not interested in eating meat, nor do I really care for chocolate or much processed sweet food right now. I'm eating a lot of fruit and yogurt, some bread, and a whole lot of gluten/wheat/lactose free stuff. Maybe it's the heat, but it doesn't even occur to me to eat things I would normally eat. It's not good, because I'm getting tired and losing energy - and putting weight on (or at least not losing any, anyway). I don't know how to get around that right now. My life is a little unbalanced at the moment, so I suppose it's just manifesting in different ways, food being one of them. It's just frustrating.

I'm tired and can't think of whatever else it was I had to report, so I'll leave it here. I have a funny pic of how my cat chose to sleep in the sweltering heat the other night. I might post that tomorrow.

Update on my brother

2008-01-08T08:35:00.000+11:00

The doc rang mum last night and said he's going to be ok, but it'll be a while yet. He had a blood transfusion, because he had a seriously low platelet count. He's done kidney, liver and muscle damage, but it's thankfully not permanent. He'll have a long recovery time, and will spend the week in hospital, but he'll be ok. Thanks for all the thoughts.

I'll say it once

2008-01-08T08:32:00.000+11:00

Muscle does not weigh more than fat! Muscle is more dense, so if you're 70kg and mostly muscle, you'll look smaller than if you're 70kg and mostly fat.

1kg of feathers weighs exactly the same as 1kg of rocks.

And 1kg of muscle weighs exactly the same as 1kg of fat.

It's been a long 48 hours

2008-01-07T14:31:00.000+11:00

My brother did a 7km fun run on Saturday in 40C heat (104F). He collapsed at the finish line was was taken by ambulance to the closest hospital. They didn't have the correct facilities to run tests on him, so he was taken to another hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning. I'm too tired to go into detail now, but we now know it was worse than what we were told.

He ate breakfast on Sunday morning and, for reasons I can't comprehend, the doctors let him leave, even though he could not hold any liquid or food. I went to see him at his fiance's parent's house last night and he wasn't doing well and was still throwing up. They said they'd take him back to hospital today if he hadn't improved. Not long after I left, his inlaws decided he needed to go back already. They took him to one hospital, which again couldn't do the tests required, so he was transferred to yet another hospital (the 4th and counting).

Now? They think he might have issues with his kidneys because they're still not functioning correctly and he's having a blood transfusion some time today. I'm not entirely sure why, but all visitation apart from his fiance and her parents has been disallowed for the next couple of days, so I can't even go to see him.

My brother is the one in the family who always has the best of luck, lands on his feet, meets cool people without even trying and for whom nothing seems to go wrong. I guess he's a bit like me; when he gets sick, he does it in style.

Any good health thoughts would be appreciated.

How about educating people?

2008-01-06T09:32:00.000+11:00

This really pisses me off.

OBESE people as young as 14 would get free weight-reduction surgery under a radical Australian Medical Association proposal to tackle the obesity crisis.

The Opposition and health groups have backed the scheme for publicly funded weight loss surgery, which was proposed by the association in a submission to the State Government.

Full story here.

Yeah, let's allow parents to keep making their children fat, but hey, that's ok, coz they can have major surgery when they reach puberty and all will be well in the world. How about taking your kids to a park and letting them run around, instead of sitting their arses in front of a computer or tv all day every day? How about giving them a vegetable or two, instead of something out of a box, or can, or drive through? No, let's not try to avoid the problem. Let's have things become a problem, then quick fix them with lap band surgery while the kid's body is still not fully developed. Yeah, that's smart.

Surprise visitor

2008-01-05T20:25:00.001+11:00

Mum sent me a text message this morning asking that I call her to help calm her down. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to see first thing, when you're only half awake - or any time, really. There were a multitude of things that could possibly have happened, and I wondered which it was. It turns out it was nothing I expected.

She got up early and went to the laundry to do a load of washing. She got part of the way through putting things in the machine when she saw one of these right beside the machine.

That guy is an Eastern Brown snake. Do they react to movement? Um, yeah. Are they venomous? One of the most venomous in the world. So, naturally, mum freaked...then phoned around for a snake handler to come and take him away.

She had to pay $50 (it was more than that, but that was all the cash she had in the house) for the guy to collect it. I get that he's a private person and has expenses (he had to drive from an hour away), but surely that kind of service should be subsidised by the local council, or something. But that's a soap box item for another time.

Anyway, mum's fine, albeit a little spooked. She was pissed at first, when I laughed, because I like snakes, but felt better when I told her how my housemate locked me outside the house with a massive spider. So we're even.

Non-grouch

2008-01-04T18:48:00.001+11:00

This would be a grouch and on an entirely different blog, if it were not for the happy ending.

For reasons I still cannot explain to myself, I decided to check my credit card balance late last night, just before I went to sleep. It was a stupid idea in the first place. A $35 late fee for December caught my eye. Considering I'd made 4 payments in December, I was more than peeved. I didn't realise how peeved until I woke in the middle of the night thinking of how the phone conversation would go today. So positive affirmations as you're about to go to sleep don't always work. Check.

Each month, and always, I put at least 3-4 times more into my credit card than the required 'minimum monthly payment'. Since I didn't have that amount in December, I made weekly automatic payments so I'd at least be paying something. I was apparently $20 short of the minimum. For that $20, they charged me $35 and put my freakin' account on hold (I found that out while on the phone trying not to get irrate). Three times, I asked to speak to a supervisor. The woman refused. But I am smart and the bank has a complaints hotline. I told her not to worry about her lack of helpfulness, because I had another phone call to make and hung up.

The lovely Matt on the complaints line understood perfectly why I'd be pissed that I'd been charged a fee almost twice the amount I was supposedly short. I suggested that 'late payment fee' wasn't really an apt term when even if you make 4 payments in the month, you still get charged for not paying. He agreed, said he could see that all my payments till December had been consistently way above the minimum, so he made a couple of phone calls, got the fee and the hold removed. Nice boy.

So there, Yenni in customer service. You could be more helpful next time and I might write something nice about you, too!

How quickly things change

2008-01-02T22:27:00.000+11:00

I just spent the last 45 minutes on the phone to my study partner. Former study partner. He's decided to stay where he is in north Qld and has a job starting Friday. I understand his reasons. I don't agree with them. He's running away from himself and trying to find himself at the same time. I know that place and it sucks. I did exactly the same thing when I was his age, except I came down here from up there.

I've seen him walk through the front door of his house and almost physically buckle from the stress of the environment he lives in, yet when he's away from there, even for a moment, he's a different, happy person. I get why he needs to be away. He acknowledges it might not be the best choice to make, because there's a child and a partner involved, but it's what he feels is the right thing at this moment. I told him I'd support that choice, even if I didn't like it, and I will. I'm both happy and sad for him.

So...the Plan changes slightly. But that's ok, too. Mostly.

Well then...

2008-01-02T19:27:00.000+11:00

Sometimes, ya just want to say, "F-you!" I just had one of those moments. But when you're only half of an equation, you can't control the result; if it's not what you want, you can deal with it gracefully, or say, "F-you!" I'm choosing the former. Sometimes what you hoped was a horse turns out to be a stubborn mule upon closer inspection. Not much you can do about that.

As part of my new determination to be positive about as much as I can, let me say that I'm positive I do not want the job I started today as a full time position. I'm positive I would go insane if I had to do accounts for a living. I'm positive that by the end of the week, I'll actually understand all the terminology used in teaching me today. I'm positive I'll appreciate Saturday when it comes. I'm positive I'll save money by taking my lunch to work every day, because there is nowhere close by to buy food. And I'm positive I will fall asleep on the tram to work, every morning. I need that extra half hour sleep.

Actually, if I'd have taken my regular attitude to work with me today, I would have been pissed off early on. It surprised me that my resolve to stay happy, in spite of various frustrations, really worked. This job is a challenge. New terms to learn, a whole new computer program to learn, a new industry. It's good.

And my housemate cleaned and vacuumed the house while I was at work. When I got home, I sat with my feet up on the couch while he cleaned. I was smart enough to thank him afterwards! (And I bought him icecream yesterday, so I think we're even.)

Grateful

2008-01-01T15:54:00.000+11:00

I have a lot to be grateful about right now. Ok, so I'm not too grateful about not having a regular job and being down to my last money, but hey I start temping tomorrow, so I'll be back on track again with an income from next week. Thankfully!

My short term goal is to get a job with the forensics (fraud) division of a certain company. I'll be emailing the HR person when I'm done posting this. However, I'm not sure they have anyone from that division in this city. It can't hurt to ask.

I start back at my course next week, in a new gym, in new premises, which I'm excited about. I was hoping to lose some weight and get a bit more fit over the break, but despite my efforts, nothing's changed, so I'm a bit frustrated. Just a matter of time...

I'm grateful for still having a study partner. He and his brother and another guy went out on a sea kayak in north Qld a couple of days ago and it started to leak. They got swept out and had to swim more than two hours back to shore, then had to walk another three hours, because they'd drifted so far, back to where they'd started on the beach. Apparently, he's pretty sunburnt, but I told him to invest in some burn gel from a pharmacy and he says it's helped a lot. He thought I was going to kick his butt for getting burnt, because I'd lectured him about it before he left on his trip. I'm just glad nothing else happened.

NYE last night was stinking hot. The hottest on record, apparently. There were less people out than last year and I can see why people would have stayed home. Even at the bar we were at, I think as much water was being served as alcohol. It was a good night and I'm grateful for the friends I've made. One girl reminded me that it was last NYE that we met.

I never would have thought then that I'd be here now, without a real job, without money, but with loyal friends, heading in a new direction with a new career plan...and being almost completely content. If I can have my niece and her girls here by this time next year...that would be icing.

A goal is a dream with a deadline

2007-12-28T23:07:00.000+11:00

All sorts of random stuff is going through my head the last few days. It's like I'm seeing the pieces and they're falling into place. I'm not quite sure what the pieces are going to become once they're together, but they're there and the feeling I'm getting is good. I can't explain it and I don't really want to try.

Every thought is positive. I've not been sick, or felt bad, or had a real headache for some time. I've slept a lot in the past week, but hey I have a sleep disorder, so that kinda makes sense. It's all I want to do if I don't have anything to do. The last time I felt this good, I was taking medication to make it happen. This time, it's exercise, fruit and positive affirmations. Small things, big difference. Who'da thunk it?

So many thoughts. So many possibilities. I have plans and I feel inspired.

Quote

2007-12-28T10:06:00.000+11:00

From an article on The Age online.

In a piece reprinted in the Kennedy anthology, author Henry van Dyke writes: "Are you willing to own, that probably the only good reason for your existence is not what you are going to get out of life, but what you are going to give to life; to close your book of complaints against the management of the universe and look around you for a place where you can sow a few seeds of happiness to make a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden for your kindly feelings? Then you can keep Christmas."

Priorities

2007-12-27T06:35:00.000+11:00

I've been walking each day, for about an hour or so, in the afternoons. The realisation hit me the other day that I'm not as fit as I was telling myself, so I thought I'd better do more than I was to get healthy. Naturally, it was quiet on Christmas Day and I didn't see many people out. Yesterday, there were more, but in cars, not walking.

I walked past one house where a young guy had just parked his car. The problem was, he half drove over a wheelie bin and it was stuck under the back of his car. When he got out, I thought he mustn't have realised, because he was acting all cool, but he saw me notice the bin, then him, and gave me a dopey yeah-I'm-an-idiot look. I smiled and pretended everything was normal till I got two houses away and laughed my head off. I heard him trying to pull the bin out from under the car, but I didn't want to embarrass him more by turning back to look, so I just kept walking.

My eldest sister gave me a gift voucher for Christmas. She specified that it was to be used for lingerie. I don't need or want any, so I bought two camping chairs and two ice packs instead. My mum was all contrite and said I should have bought myself something beautiful. I did. Two sexy black chairs that I'll use and appreciate much more than lingerie. If she thought I should have nice lingerie, she could have given me a liposuction voucher. I'd need that first. :-D

One of my housemate's kids started playing with my exercise equipment yesterday, for the second time. I only knew about the first time, because the plates on my hand weights were loose and my housemate confirmed they'd been playing with them. They're lucky they didn't break a toe. In the calmest voice I could muster, I gave the "these are not toys" speech to the 6yo and suggested my things be put back where they came from. I'm sorta pissed at my housemate for letting his kids touch my stuff without asking me, so they thought it was ok to do it again. Uh, no.

And Jones, nope, no boys were anywhere near my Christmas stockings, nor shall they be any time soon. I'm so completely uninterested in having anything to do with boys at the moment. I don't have the time and really can't be bothered. It's nice just having to look after myself and not worry about anyone else.

Anyway, I'm happy and positive and focussed on continuing to be happy and positive. Life could be a lot worse. I feel good.

And then there was quiet

2007-12-25T09:31:00.000+11:00

Last night was the rowdiest Christmas Eve I think I've experienced. There were twenty something people from my social group, which really is not many people, until you put them all into a small, one bedroom unit where the only rule is 'no high heels on the floor boards'.

The food side of things was organised weeks ago. We each nominated a plate of food we'd bring. That's the good thing about being in a structured social group (even if the events aren't always structured). Everyone knows ahead of time what their responsibilities are - and they stick to them. Nobody cuts corners like what tends to happen sometimes with family events. So...twenty people meant more than twenty plates of different kinds of foods - salads, meats, cheeses, seafood, breads, desserts. And drinks. I had four drinks, but my poor little head is hurting this morning. I had absolutely no water to drink yesterday, when I normally drink at least 3 litres, so I'm blaming the pain on dehydration.

The KK was interesting. We each took a wrapped present and drew numbers out of a hat to choose which present we unwrapped, in number order. Then we drew numbers again and were allowed to 'steal' someone else's present if we liked it better than what we got. They couldn't say no. To say it got loud would be putting it mildly. There were some cool presents. And some interesting ones. I got a bottle of sex on the beach liqueur. I have no idea what's in the real drink and there were no ingredients on the bottle (seriously!), so I decided it might be wise to give it up. I took a box of apple and cinnamon fudge from someone else. Sounds nice, right? Hmm. No. It smells like bubble gum and tastes like bubble gum and that would be fine if it were not fudge. Eating it was made difficult, because it tasted so much like gum that we almost felt like we shouldn't be swallowing it. That gift is now wrapped up nicely again and will be either given to some other poor unsuspecting person, or brought out on special occasions to torture people.

Picture twenty people, most with santa hats with flashing lights, multitude of glow sticks (anyone would have thought we were holding a backyard rave), and sparklers, running up and down the street yelling Merry Christmas at cars that drove by at midnight. That's how some of us ended the night. Others staged an impromtu dance lesson in the lounge room. The biggest hit of the night was a little dashboard Jesus doll that was supposed to be a silly KK gift that nobody would want. It turned out to be the most fought over gift and ended up propped up on a santa hat the eventual owner was wearing. I have photos. Unfortunately, I cannot post them here.

It's now 10am Christmas morning and it's super quiet. My housemate's kids aren't here yet, so I'm enjoying the peace while it lasts.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Space

2007-12-23T20:45:00.000+11:00

I've spent most of the last three days/evenings in the hospital with L. His girlfriend and kids couldn't go to see him, for various reasons, and he wanted - needed - company. The way the boy handles his illness is....well, it's hard to describe, but there's certain aspects of his attitude to being sick, and life in general, that I'd like to adopt for myself. I think I learnt a few things the last couple of days.

The gastro doc doesn't want him to leave the hospital for another few days, but he's going home tomorrow. I took him to see his family this morning, against the doc's wishes, but we both needed to just get out of there for a while. He needed to see his kids and his gf. I needed some time not being squished into a single hospital bed with him in order to hear the sound on the tv. And the ward smelt funny. Hospitals smell...sick. The smell permeates everything, so we snuck out for a couple of hours, like prison escapees.

We got back to the hospital, were interrogated by the nurses (because he had a bit of a setback yesterday while we were walking around the hospital - and I'm grateful I didn't have to see how much of my first aid I remembered) to make sure he was ok, had lunch, watched a movie, then fell asleep, because that's about all there is to do in hospital.

There was a lot of talk between us about our course. It was decided quite a while back that we'd take group outdoor classes together. It was never specifically said. More like, it was simply a given that it would happen. We'd like to also work with some of the other people in our class, but that depends on who wants to do what once we've completed our first certificate. The last few days have brought forth a multitude of ideas, a good dose of planning and a ridiculous amount of anticipation. It feels great.

The frustrating this is, I'm home now and once L gets out of hospital, he's going to Qld for a week, so I'm at home, still buzzing with ideas and wanting to just talk about things - to anyone, but I can't. All I have to do is get through the next couple of weeks till I start getting a regular income again. After that, it feels like things are good and positive and starting to fall into place.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a Christmas Eve orphan's party with a bunch of people from my social group. It's all of us who are not celebrating with our own families. Between those people and the people I've met in my course, I have some truly fantastic people in my life right now. For that, I'm grateful.

I've never been a fan of even numbers, but, corny as it sounds, 2008 looks like it might be the start of some really great things. I'm hoping.

Comments

2007-12-21T11:20:00.001+11:00

I was going to reply to the last post in the comments, but it was getting long, so a new post it is.

The K0k0da Trail is in PNG. It's a bloody hard trek through jungle for around 10 days. It's the anniversary of a battle some time in August and that's when dad wants to go.
http://www.kokodatrail.com.au/

Ian, the weather has been a mix of freezing and boiling. But even with the rain yesterday, it was still warm. More to come today, apparently. If it's not too bad, I'll go see my study partner in hospital, but if it's like yesterday, I won't be going anywhere! Yesterday, there were container trucks (oil/gas/milk etc) parked under bridges around the city, not going anywhere till the storms and lightning stopped.

I qualify as a GI towards the end of Jan, but I'm going to start talking to different gyms next week. Some of the people in my course have already got work in clubs doing sales. The pay is shite, but it's a foot in the door.

The people I'll be temping for are hoping I decide to work for them full time. I reaaally doubt it, but they are nice and it's income, and that's what matters at the moment.

All sorts of random stuff

2007-12-20T22:29:00.001+11:00

In order of appearance in my head at this moment.

I did really well in my first aid assessment last night. I should be quite happy, but I didn't get 100% so I'm annoyed. I may sit the test again just to get 100%. That's how much it's bugging me, and I only missed a couple of questions.

Yesterday, I stood up on a very packed tram so a pregnant woman could sit down. Pregnancy freaks me out, but I haven't lost my manners. The same can't be said for all the businessmen who would not move out of the way. Especially not the one who waited for another woman to stand up, then sat in her seat so I had to stand in the aisle knocking people with my books and backpack. I'm sure his next business meeting went badly, coz that's how things work.

My study partner is in hospital. I was running late for class yesterday as I finished a temp job late. I called him to ask if he'd run to buy me a coffee and he said he'd been in hospital two days. He has GI problems and I'm not going to post the name of the condition, but the docs don't know if it's that or his appendix. Each time they get close to running confirmation tests on him, he gets pushed behind emergency patients, because he's not in much pain (now). He wants me to go visit him tomorrow, so I will. He's a good kid.

I had an interview on Monday for a large financial services firm. In fact, I had an interview with the HR girl last Friday, then another on Monday with a partner of one of the divisions. It went really well and they did reference checks. They took three days to decide between me and one other girl, then chose her. The upside - and I'm choosing to see it - is that the HR girl said she really wants to place me in their company, so she'll look at where else she can put me after the Christmas break. Positive, but not ideal.

I'm about out of money, as I've refused to tap into my credit. The last two days I've done temp work for shitty money, but it's money and the jobs were pretty much just answering phones, so it wasn't hard. It was good to work for really professional people, though. The surprising thing was the amount of trust they put in me. Both companies gave me access cards, access codes, passwords and other information.....then left me to my own devices while the entire staff went off to Christmas parties off site. In fact, on Wednesday, nobody from that company came back, so I was left to close the office by myself. I temped for that company for a few months about 7 years ago (coincidence huh), so some of them knew me, but still...

The weather was incredible today. I haven't seen rain or heard thunder like it in a long time. And lightning! Wow! I was on the top floor of a building that faced the ocean (Ian, you should see how Docklands has grown!) and I could not see out the windows. Two trams got hit by lightning this morning. As I walked past the train station in the city this afternoon, the cars were having to drive incredibly slowly, because the water was flooding the road - the water level was up to the top of the tyres of some cars. Amazing!

Um, what else? Oh yeah, starting 2 Jan, I might be doing collections temporarily, for a property company, till I find something full time. I've done it before, so it doesn't bother me and I know it won't be forever. I have a meeting with the company tomorrow, so I can be introduced to the people I'll be working with. I'm not sure why they're doing that, but if it means I get the job, I will meet anyone they want. They're also paying me way more than the going rate. The lady from the agency - boy does she need a Christmas present from me - told them that I was to be paid a certain rate, because that's what I was worth and they said fine.

Oh, and my dad has been down here the last couple of weeks, so I've hung out with him a couple of days I haven't worked. That's been good. He's doing Kokoda next August and I think I'm going to go with him if I'm physically and financially fit enough. That would be an experience!

I'm sure there's more, but that's it for now. I'm tired and need some sleep.

Competitive

2007-12-15T18:22:00.000+11:00

I have discovered the joy of purchasing items on e bay. I have worked out that it's because the few things I have bought are things I won't stress about if I don't win. I bought a heart rate monitor watch that counts calories and does other nerdy fitness stuff. It was only $16 and works really well. I was going to buy a full size skeleton (oh, yes I was!), but no job and never ending bills means sticking to things that are actually a priority. Besides, I can get a set of bones in a month or two when they're an actual tax deduction. I digress...

There is a weights bench I'm bidding on now. It's only $20, as opposed to most of the other benches that are selling for $150+. It doesn't bother me if I don't get it, but a minute ago I was outbid - by a whole 50c. I'm going to bid a couple more times then let the dude win. If I can't have it, at least he'll have to work to get it. Yes, my shifty streak is showing. I blame it on being seriously overtired.

The tiredness is due to a late phone call last night from my study partner, that he was coming to my place to pick me up so I could stay at his place (with his girlfriend, two kids, her brother, two dogs, three cats, fish and a snake....) and we'd study for today's tests. To say it wasn't really productive would be putting it mildly, but we did get some done. I got to sleep around 1am. It was so hot I was awake at 4.30am, so I got the books out again. By 5.30am I was ready to sleep, by 6.15am I was getting my clothes on to have breakfast.

Needless to say, my brain wasn't entirely engaged for our first assessment and I made some dumb mistakes. Still, I managed to do more than pass, so I was not too unhappy. Having said that, I was always going to be annoyed if I got less than 100%. Oh well. I did well in the major practical assessments.

Two more nights, then we have a much needed two week break. The first component of our course is over and I'm so ready to move onto the next part. This is where it is going to get fun.

But now? I'm going to lie on the couch and watch tv for all of the ten seconds there will be before I fall asleep.

On course

2007-12-08T17:41:00.001+11:00

This whole study business is hard work. It's been a while since I've had to think so much for such an extended period of time. And just when I think I've got it under control, I have to think more about something I have no clue about.

Having said that, I'm having fun. That is, if you call doing a boxing boot camp at 8.45pm on a Wednesday, in a city park, fun - which I do. Granted, most of us wanted to die (or throw up, whichever happened first) about half way through, but we felt good for finishing afterwards. Last night, I discovered I strained my neck and could hardly move it all day today, but that's the price you pay. It was fun. Really. In a painful way.

I spent all of Thursday with the full time students, in order to catch up on last Saturday's class, because I'd been sick. O-M-G. To say I now fully appreciate my class so much more, would be an understatement. Their class is too big, they talk and interrupt constantly, they don't listen. I could go on. I may as well have just read my course notes, because I barely absorbed anything the entire day. Concentrating was about impossible.

My class? Cohesive, co-operative and we work as a team. We've been told now by three of our instructors, on separate occasions, that they're impressed by our class and how we support each other, as well as the way we interact as a group. Today, we were told we're the most professional class as well. Yay us! :-)

The funny thing about my class is that the majority of us are competitive, but we're completely encouraging of each other as well. We did a mini circuit in class before our assessment this afternoon. It didn't take long till we were totally out of breath, sweating and trying to outdo each other, but at the same time, encouraging each other to do even more. It felt good - it feels good - to be in such a positive environment.

We finished the session with a practical assessment and I kicked arse in that, too, with full marks. Leigh and I almost deafened each other by accidentally tapping on the stethoscope (used with a sphygmomanometer) while we had it in our ears. Who knew those things were so loud? Geez!

I'm happy with, and surprised by my progress so far. A couple of people have said they think I'll top the class. I don't know about that. I'd like to, for myself, but I don't know if I want the pressure of everyone else's expectations on me as well. Our first exams are next weekend, so I'll get a good indication then, I suppose.

I can still hardly move my neck and head, but I have things to do and a house to clean before some people come over tomorrow. Nothing that a few pain killers won't help me accomplish.

Why square is better than stiletto

2007-12-04T12:02:00.000+11:00

A small, square heel is a much better option than a stiletto when you're running late for your tram to an interview, and you're walking fast and do not want to break an ankle in the process.

You have a minute till your tram comes, so you put down your folder, handbag and jacket while you wait. The tram comes and you get on, take out your money, buy a ticket, then realise you left your folder at the tram stop. As luck would have it, at this moment, the tram stops again. You need to make a split second decision. Do I keep going to my interview and hope my folder is there when I get back? Do I jump off the tram?

I took option two. People must have thought I was nuts, getting on the tram, buying a ticket and promptly getting off again. Drivers by must have thought I was a tad odd, running down the street in my thankfully only 1.5 inch high square heels, two and a half blocks back to where I started. I could see a guy going through it (it had my address and photo inside), but he put it back before I got there, so I said nothing. Ten seconds later, the next tram came and I got on, sat down and started taking in oxygen again. The interview went well.

Other interview news. One gave the job to a person already working for the company. Another was offering about $15K less than my minimum. The third is too far out from the city for me to conveniently get to my course during the week, so they made the decision it would be too much trouble for me. Eh, whatever. I got calls from three agencies yesterday, so things are looking alright ...for now.